Assertive Skills

Changing Personal Behavioral Patterns

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Questionnaire
No Points Score All the Most of Sometimes Never
time the time score 3 score 4
score1 score 2

1. Can you criticize your friends face to

face?
2. When someone in authority asks you to
something that is unreasonable, can you
question it?

3 When someone compliments you do you

know what to say?
4 Can you tell your advisor when you are
dissatisfied by what is happening in your
life?

5 Can you speak up and ask questions?

6. Can you avoid being led by your friends

into doing stupid things? Padmashree Radhaswamy,
No Points Score All the Most of Sometimes Never
time the time score 3 score 4
score1 score 2
7 Can you admit to making mistakes?
8 Do you apologize when you are wrong?
9 Can you ask a friend for a favour?
10 If you do not want to lend something to a
friend, can you refuse?
11 If a group of friends were saying something
you didn’t agree with would you say you
disagreed?
12 If you saw someone bullying a younger person,
would you try to help?
13 Are you confident about saying what you
think?
14 When you are not sure about something do
you ask someone to explain it?
15 Are you able to ask your friends for advice?
16 When a friend puts pressure on you to do
something you don’t want to do, can you say
no?

Padmashree Radhaswamy
 Situation
• Imagine that you go to a high end chinese
restaurant and order Noodles. Half way
through your eating, you come across a strand
of hair in the Noodles! How do you think you
will respond to the situation?

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Aggressive
• Aiming to win regardless of the other person
• Standing up for your rights in such a way that the
rights of others are violated
• Putting others down to make you seem better
than they are
• Manipulating others, including tricking them and
taking revenge in subtle ways
• Deriding, humiliating, belittling or overpowering
others in order to win
Padmashree Radhaswamy
 Passive
• Having difficulty for standing up for yourself
• Avoiding conflict or confrontation
• Giving up responsibility for yourself – not
making decisions for yourself
• Playing the victim or martyr
• Not expressing honest and true feelings or
thoughts

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Assertive
• Expressing true feelings, thoughts and beliefs
• Feeling in control of what you say and do
• Standing up for your rights, choices and
feelings in a way that doesn’t threaten or
violate others
• Assessing a situation and making clear choices
about the appropriate way to behave

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Tips on being assertive
• Repeat quietly but firmly the point you are trying
to make. Don’t be shouted down
• Be prepared to say no – firmly and clearly – if you
feel someone is trying to pressure you into doing
something that you don’t want to do
• Be clear about what you mean, feel or want. Don’t
be vague as this can lead to misunderstandings
and may place you in awkward positions.

Padmashree Radhaswamy
 Tips on being assertive
• Don’t be drawn into arguments or discussions
that may lead you into confusing the issue –
keep to your main points
• Don’t allow people to make you feel guilty if
you can’t do something. You have a right to
decide what you feel able to do or not to do.
• Be aware that body language gives off clear
messages

Padmashree Radhaswamy
• 1. You are at a department store and you are waiting in line
when another customer walks past you and asks to get
checked out since she is running late. The young woman
behind the counter goes ahead and helps her in spite of the
fact that you were next in line. What do you do or say?
• Make the statement, “Well, I guess she is late so go ahead
and help her.”
• You push yourself to the counter and demand to get help.
“I’ve been waiting for the last 5 minutes, you self-proclaimed
diva -wait your turn!”
• Tell the young lady behind the counter “Excuse me, maybe
you did not notice, but I would appreciate if you help me
since I was next in line.”
• Say nothing, but sigh loudly and give the woman

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
• 2. You are at a party and everyone is drinking or getting high.
Generally you prefer to enjoy a casual drink but you don’t drink to
excess. You have already done three alcohol shots on this
particular evening and since this is your limit you don’t want to
drink any more. Dave, however, wants you to keep “partying.”
What do you say or do?
• “I’ll have another drink, but if something happens to me it’s your
fault.”
• “Hey you jerk, stop bothering me. You know I don’t want to drink
anymore.”
• “Dave, I know you want to keep partying and we can still dance
and have fun, but I would feel more comfortable if I stop drinking.
I have to drive home later and it wouldn’t be responsible for me
to drink anymore.”
• “Since you are my good friend, let’s go ahead and have one more
but only one
Padmashree Radhaswamy,
• On the job, your fellow co-worker keeps asking you to do some of
her work and in the past you have often helped. You are starting
to feel mistreated, however, and would like her to start pulling
her own weight. What do you do or say?
• “Ana, I’m flattered that you think I am competent to do this work,
however, helping you all the time has got me feeling overloaded.
In the future I would appreciate it if you try doing it yourself or
ask someone else.”
• Take Ana’s extra work from her, but procrastinate and do not
complete it so that her deadlines don’t get met. She eventually
stops asking you for help.
• “I know you don’t know what to do with this extra work, Ana. I
might be able to squeeze some of it in and help you out.”
• “Ana, I am going to go to our boss and let her know what a lazy
employee you are and tell her that you never do any or your work
Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Situation 1
• Cousin Manisha, with whom you prefer not to
spend much time, is on the phone. She says
that she is planning to spend the next three
weeks with you.

Padmashree Radhaswamy
 Situation 2
• You have bought a toaster at a local discount
house, and it doesn't work properly.

Padmashree Radhaswamy
 Situation 3
• One of your employees has come in late
consistently for the last 3 or 4 days.

Padmashree Radhaswamy
 Situation 3
• You are at the dinner table in a restaurant and
someone starts smoking, which offends you.

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Situation 4
• You are across the room and someone is
talking to you but not quite loud enough for
you to hear.

Padmashree Radhaswamy
• When approaching someone about behavior you’d
like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of
what they’ve done that’s upset you, rather than
labels or judgments.
Here’s an example:
• Situation:
Your friend, who habitually arrives late for your
plans, has shown up twenty minutes late for a lunch
date.
• Inappropriate: "You’re so rude! You’re always late."
Assertive Communication: "We were supposed to
meet at 11:30, but now it’s 11:50."
Padmashree Radhaswamy
• The same should be done if describing the
effects of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate,
label or judge; just describe:
• Inappropriate: “Now lunch is ruined.”
Assertive Communication: “Now I have less
time to spend lunching because I still need to
be back to work by 1pm.”

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
• Use “I Messages”. Simply put, if you start a
sentence off with “You”, it comes off as more
of a judgment or attack, and puts people on
the defensive. If you start with “I”, the focus is
more on how you are feeling and how you are
affected by their behavior. Also, it shows more
ownership of your reactions, and less blame.
For example:
• ‘You Message’: “You need to stop that!”
‘I Message’: “I’d like it if you’d stop that.”

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
• Here’s a great formula that puts it all together:
• “When you [their behavior], I feel [your
feelings].”
• When used with factual statements, rather
than judgments or labels, this formula
provides a direct, non-attacking, more
responsible way of letting people know how
their behavior affects you. For example:
• “When you yell, I feel attacked.”

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
• A more advanced variation of this formula
includes the results of their behavior (again, put
into factual terms), and looks like this:
• “When you [their behavior], then [results of their
behavior], and I feel [how you feel].”
• Here are some examples:
• “When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I feel
frustrated.”
• “When you tell the kids they can do something
that I’ve already forbidden, some of my authority
as a parent is taken away, and I feel undermined.”
Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Types of Assertion
• Basic assertion – simple expressions(I’d like to
eat my food leisurely)
• Empathic assertion – recognition of other
person’s situation or feelings followed by
speaker’s feelings( I understand how you feel
when complete product replacement is not
done however I can change the display panel)

Padmashree Radhaswamy
 Types of Assertion
• Escalating Assertion – Start with minimal
response, No response – escalate assertion(Let
me finish – I really want to finish what I am
saying)
• Confrontive assertion – what was to be done,
what actually occurred, what you want.(It was
agreed that the project report would be
submitted on the 29th of September. Today is the
1st of October and it hasn’t been submitted. I
would like to receive the report by 4 pm today)
Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Types of Assertion
• I language assertion – Description of
behaviour, how it affects your life, describe
your feelings, describe your desire(when you
discuss my personal life infront of others I feel
embarrassed and feel belittled. I would prefer
you to keep it confidential)
• Positive Assertion – expressing positive
feelings( I performed very well in the exam)

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Types of Assertion
• Repeated assertion – broken record( the work
has not been completed, complete the work)
• Fogging assertion – agreeing in concept but
not in fact( I know it is a little difficult to come
so early however you are expected here at 9
am when the conference will formally begin)

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Requirements for being assertive
• Knowledge and skills
• Adherence to rules and regulations
• Integrity
• Speaking obligingly even if one cannot oblige
• Tone & body language has to be assertive.

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Assertive body language
• Eye contact
• Relaxed facial muscles
• Pleasant expressions
• Firm hand gestures – not cutting hand gestures
• Spinal chord straight
• Don’t shift weight from one leg to another –
firm posture without excessive movement
• Body orientation towards the receiver.
Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Tone
• Voice should be firm
• Right volume
• Right pitch
• Harsh tone to be avoided
• Pausing, intonation, stress should be right

Padmashree Radhaswamy
 Assertive situations for Role plays
• Your colleague Murali is constantly missing
from his work station during the regular office
hours but stays back to finish the work
assigned for the day. This is delaying your
work as your work involves a continuation of
his work and you are getting pulled up by your
boss for the delays. Deal with Mr. Murali.

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Assertive situations for Role plays
• Tomorrow is the last exam and you are
constantly receiving phone calls from your
friend Manoj briefing you on all the party
plans post exam. How do you communicate to
your friend that you want to focus on
preparation for the exams right now instead of
post exam party planning.

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Assertive situations for Role plays
• Your colleague Mr. Mukund is technologically
challenged. He constantly disturbs you to help
him out with the excel sheets. How do you
communicate to him that you cant leave your
work to help him out everyday.

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Assertive situations for Role plays
• Your good friend Namit Das has the habit of
walking into your cabin and persuading you to
come to the cafetaria to catch up on office
gossip. Your work is getting affected because
of this and so communicate to him that you
don’t want to go to the cafetaria so often and
that you don’t mind doing it once in a day but
not more than that.

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Assertiveness in Written Communication
• Basic assertion - This is to inform you that we have a
meeting scheduled on the 28th of February at 9 am to
discuss the sales targets for the month of March. The
presence of each and every member of the sales team is
important.
• Empathetic assertion - This is to inform you that we have
a meeting scheduled on the 28th of February at 9 am to
discuss the sales targets for the month of March. I
understand that it is very busy day for most of you,
however the presence of each and every member of the
sales team is important.
Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Assertiveness in Written Communication
• Escalating assertion: As informed in the letter dated 16th Feb
2022 regarding meeting for discussion sales targets for the
month of March, the presence of each and every member of
the sales team is important. Permissions for absence is not
an option/choice for anyone. Expect everyone’s presence.
• Confrontive assertion: The sales team has been informed
about the meeting scheduled on 28th Feb 2022 to discuss the
March month sales target. I have received many mails
seeking permission to be exempted. As informed earier, the
presence of each and every member of the sales team is
important for the meeting

Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Assertiveness in Written Communication
• I language assertion: I have been receiving mails seeking
permission to give the meeting a miss. I feel disappointed
to see these kind of mails as I have never called for a
meeting without specific reasons and unless it is a very
important matter. I request you not to mail me any
further regarding permission to abstain oneself from the
meeting.
• Positive assertion: I will ensure that the meeting is a
productive one for you and for me/ I make sure I conduct
the most productive meetings/ I have a track record of
conducting the most effective meetings.
Padmashree Radhaswamy,
 Assertiveness in Written Communication

• Repeated assertion: I repeat myself, the

presence of each and every member of the
sales team is important for the meeting.
• Fogging assertion: Attending meetings
sometimes can be challenging given the time
constraints/ time crunch at the end of the
month, however the presence of each and
every member of the sales team at the meeting
scheduled on the 28th Feb is important.
Padmashree Radhaswamy,