Siri, tell me a joke :-)

I got Dr. Frankenstein a gym

membership for his birthday.

That guy is into bodybuilding.

I could tell you a joke about reverse
psychology.

But you wouldn’t want me to.

One day, I forgot how to throw a
boomerang.

Then it came back to me.

 Want to know my password for
everything?
OK, it’s
HermioneThorDoryPikachuHulkSpider
man.

I know it’s long, but it had to be at

least six characters.
My friend was changing a tire when
he dropped the car on his foot.

Now he needs a toe.

Roll yourself in wrapping paper and
then tape it closed.

That’s how you live in the present.

 What’s the easiest way to get
straight A’s?

Use a ruler.
Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies.

Why did Hermione end up with Ron?

He was a Keeper.
 I decided to take up fencing.

But my neighbors told me to put it

back.
Did you hear about the superhero
who got his front teeth knocked out?

He said he was Thor.

What do you call a dog that does
magic?

A Labracadabrador.
 Why do porcupines always win at
sports?

They have the most points.

I don’t know why I love bad puns so
much.

It’s just how eye roll.

I got my best friend a fridge for her
birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up

when she opens it.
Want a pun about steak?

That’s a rare medium well done.

What do you call a chicken at the
North Pole?

Lost.
Why did Adele cross the road?

To say Hello from the Other Side.

 What did the left eye say to the right
eye?

“Between you and me, something

smells”.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

If they flew over the bay they’d be

bagels.
 How do we know that hot is faster
than cold?

Because you can catch a cold.

Where can you always find a date?

A calendar.
Why don’t koala bears hang around
with all the other bears?

Because they don’t meet the

koala-fications.
 Why do pirates take so long to learn
the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C.

 My friend has a job where he keeps
seeing flying saucers.

He’s a very clumsy waiter.

I once had a cat who swallowed a
ball of yarn.

She had mittens.

 What do you call someone who has
carrots for fingers?

You call them a doctor. Seriously.

That can’t be healthy.
 What’s the leading cause of dry
skin?

Towels.
 What do you call it when a car writes
its life story?

An auto-biography.
What do you call a magician without
magic?

Ian.
I could tell you the one about the
broken pencil...

but never mind. It’s pointless.

I thought I spotted a leopard once.

Turns out they are born like that.

 What steps do you take if a lion is
chasing you?

Big ones.
 Two drums and a cymbal fall off a
cliff.

…
What’s the witch’s favorite subject?

Spelling.
 If you have 13 apples in one hand
and 10 oranges in the other, what do
you have?

Big hands.
 Remember, there are two little words
that will open a lot of doors for you.

“Push” and “Pull”.

Two satellite dishes got married.

The wedding wasn’t much but the

reception was excellent.
 I put maple syrup on my shopping
list.

Now it’s all sticky.

 A Roman walks into a café, holds up
two fingers,…

and gets five coffees.

 My friends made a fitness app for
insects.

But they still haven’t worked out the

bugs.
“Sorry I’m late”, said the broom.

“I overswept.”
What did the 0 say to the 8?

“Nice belt.”
Please don’t talk about the mistakes
of the past.

It makes the past tense.

 I know a great joke for dogs about
fetching sticks…

I wonder if they’ll get it.

What do you call a talking dinosaur?

Thesaurus.
 I bought a neutron at a garage sale
and didn’t spend a dime.

It was free of charge.

 What’s more impressive than a
talking parrot?

A spelling bee.
 What do you get when you cross a
centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.
A couple of years ago, two snails
went for a stroll in the park.

They are having a great time.

 Why do ghosts love to eat health
food so much?

Because it’s super natural.

 I couldn’t figure out why the baseball
kept getting larger.

Then it hit me.

Tell you a joke about Potassium?

K.
What’s big and gray and doesn’t
matter?

An irrelephant.
Why do bees have sticky hair?

Honeycombs.
 What’s another name for Santa’s
elves?

Subordinate clauses.
 That wedding was so beautiful,
everyone cried.

Even the cake was in tiers.

What’s a zombie’s favorite kind of
weather?

Brainstorms.
What rock group has four guys who
can’t sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore.
 What do you call a popstar in a
snowstorm?

Chilly Eilish.
 Why can’t two elephants go
swimming at the same time?

Only one pair of trunks.

Tell you a joke about Sodium?

Na.
Someone asked me to make a
donation for a new swimming pool.

So I gave them a glass of water.

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.
 To the person who stole my glasses:
I will find you.

I have contacts.
I would tell you a time travel joke,…

but you didn’t get it.

 What does a giant wind turbine say
about its favorite kind of music?

“Well, I’m a huge metal fan.”

 This one goes out to whoever
invented the zero.

Thanks for nothing.

What do you get when you put a
beetroot in a square dish?

Beet.
Why did the scarecrow get
promoted?

Because it was outstanding in its

field.
What is a clock’s favorite time?

It’s gotta be 6:30, hands-down.

My friend the tennis player got a job
waiting tables.

It was going well until someone

asked him to serve a grapefruit.
 What did the plate say to the
refrigerator?

“Stay cool. Dinner’s on me.“

What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga
put in her coffee?

Raw raw, raw raw raw.

Why did the sailors have to stop
playing cards?

The Captain was standing on the

deck.
My parents said I had no sense of
direction in life.

So I packed up all my stuff and right.

My printer just told me it was joining
a band. Which makes sense.

It loves to jam.
Why do fish have trouble dating?

There may be plenty of fish in the

sea, but love is in the air.
I’d tell a chemistry joke,…

but I’m not sure what reaction I’ll get.

 How do you keep bacon from curling
in the pan?

You take away their little brooms.

 A man makes a wish that people
would give him money whenever
they see him.

The wishing well responds, “You

may want to think twice about that
wish. Trust me.”
What does Godzilla eat for dinner?

The restaurant.
Never trust an atom.

They make up everything.

I’ve got a pen that can write
underwater.

It can write other words too.

What kind of shorts do clouds put
on?

Thunderwear.
 Why are stars bad at staring
contests?

Because they’re always blinking.

 Which of King Arthur’s knights built
the round table?

Sir Cumference.
 Why did the meatballs tell the
spaghetti to go to sleep?

It was pasta bedtime.

Why do they call it the Dark Ages?

Because there were so many

knights.
This is a Fibonacci joke.

It’s worse than the last two jokes you

heard, combined.
Why did the invisible man turn down
a job offer?

Because he just couldn’t see himself

working there.
How do you create light with water?

Clean the windows.

I have a fear of overly intricate
buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

I stayed up all night, wondering
where the sun went down.

Then it dawned on me.

Why haven’t aliens visited the Earth?

They read our reviews… Only one

star.
 A skeleton walks into a café and
says, “Give me a coffee…

and a mop.”
Where do pencils come from?

Pencil-vania.
 When someone asks me to stop
acting like a flamingo —

that’s when I put my foot down.

My thesaurus isn’t just terrible,…

it’s also terrible.

How about a Frozen joke?

I can’t think of anything Elsa.

 What did the bee say to the daffodil?

“Hey, bud, when do you open?”

A telescope just turned up in our
Lost and Found box.

We don’t know who it belongs to, but

we’re looking into it.
I tried to tell an atom a joke once.

But it was no laughing matter.

 What’s the one thing that works after
it’s been retired?

A car.
 Have you heard the joke about
yoga?

Never mind. It’s a bit of a stretch.

 My friend is obsessed about taking
selfies in the shower, but they always
turn out blurry.

He has selfie steam issues.

 What’s brown, hairy, and wears
sunglasses?

A coconut on vacation.
My friend can’t figure out what video
game system to get, and he’s kind of
upset about it.

Nobody can console him.

 The smartest tool to have is a
thermometer.

It has so many degrees.