• COMMUNICATION SKILLS

• It is a blessing to live and die as a religious.

However, religious undergo some sort of
emotional stress daily, much of which is
negative and frustrating. But since community
life is the flower of religious life, then we need
to talk, communicate and share. Blessed
Alberione says, “A religious who passes his
days in a community where he finds open
hearts, generous and benevolent persons,
noble and delicate spirits, will live in happiness
and serenity”.
• THE BASIS OF ALL COMMUNICATIONS – THE
TRINITY
• What is the basis of all communications? The basis
of all communications is the Trinity. For us
Christians, the starting point for any communication
is the loving communication of the Trinity. Each
time we communicate, we participate in the life of
the Trinity. What then should be our desire and
prayer for this course? That our communication
with our sisters and brothers would be a reflection
of the Trinity’s: Mutual (shared, common,
communal, reciprocal, sisterhood, brotherhood
etc), respect (admiration, affirmation, esteem,
reverence, value, revere etc) and life-enhancing.
• If there are difficulties in communication in
our religious communities nowadays, which I
am sure there are, then about 50-60% of
these difficulties come from a lack of
communication skills among members,
coupled with our failure to base our
communication on the Trinity.
•
• WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
COMMUNICATION AND COMMUNICATION SKILLS?
•
• COMMUNICATION: Simply put, communication is the
passing on of information from one person to another.
It involves exchanging messages to achieve
understanding of each other’s perceptions, ideas and
experiences.
•
• COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Communication skills
involve those dynamics we implore in other to
make communication flow. It is therefore an art.
An art where one masters the technicalities
she/he needs to accurately and properly pass on
• information across to other people with ease
and at the same time try to minimize
misinterpretations and misconceptions.
•
•
• The former implies that information is passed
regardless of the manner of presentation and the
reception of the audience. But the latter involves a
careful mastery of the facets in other to minimize
misconception between the presenter and the
audience. With our definitions set in place, I
entreat us now to push forward and digest this
topic with ease and comfort. May we begin with
Johari window.
• THE JOHARI WINDOW
• The Johari model was developed by American psychologists
Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham in the 1950s, while they were
researching group dynamics. Interestingly, Luft and Ingham
called their Johari Window model 'Johari' after combining
their first names, Joseph and Harrington. The JW became a
widely used model to understand and train self-awareness,
for personal development, to improve communications,
interpersonal relationships, group dynamics, team
development and inter-group relationships. So, Johar
window is very relevant to our study of communication
skills.
• Arena. What is known by the person about
him/herself and is also known by others. Examples:
your name, the color of your hair, the fact you are a
girl/boy etc. When the arena dominates the
relationship, communication flows freely and there is
love and friendliness in the community.
Communication flows because nobody is trying to
cheat or play tricks on the other. Everybody has a
common understanding, common ground, and a
common value. But subjectiveness can give rise to
problems.
• Blind Spot. What is unknown by the person about
him/herself but what others know. Examples: your own
manners, the feelings of other persons about you etc.
When the blind spot dominates the relationship, the
out come is not always the best.
• It is a disease when you don’t know and you refuse to
accept that you don’t know. This phenomenon makes
the relationship suffer, especially when you only see the
mistakes of other person and refuse to acknowledge
the finger pointing at yours. In a situation like this,
communication is difficult to come by.
• Remedy: 1. Listen, listen, listen to feedbacks 2. Ask questions
3. Be humble
• This is one of the things that give rise to problems in the
community. Where people think they know it all, community
peace, Brotherly and Sisterly relationships and
communication suffer. We are invited to do more listening
than talking, than defending, than proving that we know,
even though we know. Humility is a virtue.
• Façade. What the person knows about him/her that others do
not know. Such as: your secrets, your hopes, desires, what
you like and what you dislike. This is the area I know and
people do not know.
•
• We should not allow the façade to dominate
our relationship. Don’t try to play on the
intelligence of people because you think you are
the only one who have the answer. Do not
manipulate people. If you do, people will not
trust you and if people don’t trust you,
communication will suffer. Moreso, do not pride
yourself because you think you have the answer.
• The Unknown. What is unknown by the person
about him/herself and is also unknown by others.
This information has an unknown potential to
influence the rest of the JW. You don’t know and I
don’t know. When this dominates the relationship,
neither party knows what is going on. It is pure
confusion. Sometimes this situation leads to
fighting; at times, to painful silence, because
nobody is ready to accept defeat. Here, listening,
understanding, compromising, giving the other the
benefit of the doubt and humility are important.
Resorting to the 3rd person can also be helpful.
Forgiveness and humility play a big part here.
• Communication involves two things
• -The art of listening
• -The art of speaking
• LISTENING
•
• We communicate through listening. Listwe
• Listening as an important skill has become the
most neglected in communication. For effective
communication to flow we should listen for
ideas and central themes, with empathy, with
patience, with objectivity, with correct
attitude, listen to understand.
• PROBLEMS IN LISTENING
•
• Inattentive. Communication fails when the listener is
inattentive.
• A Scenario: You go into a friend’s room to talk with him about
an issue really bugging you. You are very anxious. You knock at
his door and he tells you to come in. You go in and finds him
reading a book with wrapped attention. He only manages to flip
his brow to look at you for a few seconds then turns back to his
book. He reads again for sometime again then offers you a sit.
You are still excited but not as before. He then with his eyes and
attention still on the book asks what he can do for you. And
your reply is that you really want to talk to him. He then says ok,
go ahead brother am listening. But his wrapped attention is still
on the book. Does this person seem like somebody who is ready
to listen?
•
• Distracted (when you are distracted, listening becomes a problem).
• Bias (when you believe that the speaker has nothing worthwhile to say, or
when you are prejudiced, then communication is blocked).
• Talks excessively (In conversations, some people try to do all the talking,
hardly giving the others a chance to speak, there is a saying that when the
homily is long, the seats move and when it is short the heart moves).
• Poor attitudes (When people have attitude that indicate, ‘I have heard it
before’, or ‘I know it all . . .’ they tend to block out the messages).
• Preoccupied (The more people wrap themselves up in their own feelings,
needs and problems, the less they can listen to others).
• Judgmental (people do not listen well when they judge, evaluate, or
disapproves the statements of the others).
• Completive interrupting ( Shifting attention to oneself away from the person
talking)
• Pseudo listening ( pretending to be listening by saying Uhu, nodding of head
while as he/she is not in actual fact listening)
• Ambushing (Listening with a bias, only looking for weaknesses and ignoring
strengths)
• HOW CAN WE IMPROVE OUR LISTENING SKILLS SO COMMUNICATION CAN
FLOW?
• SUSPEND THOUGHT
• Learn how to listen, be aware of your tendencies not to listen. Men should
take note here
• Try not to interrupt while someone is talking
• Try not to evaluate what you are hearing until the other person has finished
• Use plenty of summaries, this shows you are listening
•
• CLARIFY
• When: you need additional information, or you don’t understand
• How: ask for additional information or an explanation
• Please don’t ask for clarification and additional information when you have
them already
• CONFIRM
• When: you think you understand and you want to make sure
• How: first, restate your understanding then, ask for
confirmation
• RAPPORT: To build rapport, demonstrate that you are listening
by:
• Clarifying and confirming
• Echoing, that is repetition of a key word or phrase
• Acknowledging and bridging
• Giving none verbal signs of attention
•
•
• SOME BODY SIGNALS OF A GOOD LISTENER
• Leaning forward toward the speaker
• Facing the speaker squarely
• Smiles, laugh, nodding of the head, uhu
• Extending ones hand toward the speaker in open gesture instead
of folding
• Listening is not easy, especially with the pressures of modern
living, think of listening as precious gift that we are giving
another person. In fact, when someone listens to you, you ought
to thank the person.
•
• SPEAKING
• Speaking as a means of communication is the primary
means of communication. It has advantages.
• It can personalize the message
• It can tailor the message to the person present
• It gets answer or supplies information rapidly
•
• In communicating, it is more than simply exchange of
words. Communication has to do with verbal and non-
verbal elements. 80-90% of our communication is by non-
verbal means.
• Non-verbal elements:
• Facial
• Ekman, Friensen and Ellsworth have
discovered that there are seven main facial
expressions of emotion. There are; happiness,
interest, surprise, fear, sadness, anger, disgust
and contempt. Much of the information in
these facial expressions is carried through the
mouth and the eyebrows.
•
• Gazing and eye contact
• Eye contact is a more direct way of sending messages,
be they of interest, anger of sexual attraction. Seeing
‘eye to eye’ is better than having ‘shifty eyes’. Eye to eye
can communicate friendship, interest, love etc, while
shifty eyes can communicate suspicion, dubioussity,
dishonesty, and untrustworthiness. However, eye
contact can have different meanings in different
cultures. Whether you are speaking or listening, looking
into the eyes of the person with whom you are
conversing can make the interaction more successful.
Eye contact conveys interest and encourages your
partner to be interested in you in return.
• Gestures
• Gestures can take the place of words: for example, nodding
your head either up – and –down or sideways are substitutes
for saying yes or no respectively. Gestures using hands and
face help make ones whole body talk during conversation.
•
• Gestures can frame or illustrate words e.g. pointing to
people or object, giving illustrations of shapes, sizes or
movement particularly when these are difficult to describe in
words. An example of a gesture used to express emotion,
with or without words, is the clinched fist for aggression.
• Don’t send mixed messages
• Make your words, gestures, facial expressions
and tone match. Disciplining someone while
smiling sends a mixed message and it’s
therefore ineffective. If you have to deliver a
negative message, make your words, facial
expressions and tone match the message.
• Body Posture
• Various messages may be conveyed by your body
posture. People who are confident and assertive ‘walk
tall’. Less confident people may not stand so erect, put
their chest out or square their shoulders. Body language
can say so much more than a mouthful of words. An
open stance with arms relaxed at your sides tells
anyone around you that you are approachable and
open to hearing what they have to say. Arms crossed
and shoulders hunched, suggests disinterest in
conversation or unwillingness to communicate.
• Hand movement
• In many societies, shaking of hands is a way of
communicating openness and social closeness
to another individual. When, on rare occasions
someone refuses to shake hands with another,
this communicate messages that things are
not right in their relationship.
•
• Writing
• For some people, words come to them in plenty but
they can hardly speak nor sing them. What they
thrive in is writing. With this you can immediately
start thinking of such great writers like Shakespeare
and the rest of them. Life for them is meant to be
written. Ask them to talk and they can hardly make
ten successive statements but ask them to write it
down and they can write hundred of pages
• non- stop.
• Song: There are other people who have the
way of words but theirs come in songs. This is
widely known but rarely understood and
recognized as a means of communication in its
self. Musicians will generally fall under this
category.
• Image communication
• In some of our communities, you will notice
that some people are artistically gifted. They
express their personal and universal views not
in speaking, dancing or writing but in a work
of art. Many priests and religious are painters,
sculptors to mention but two. That is where
their energy lies. In enneagram, you will find
personality type 4 in this category.
• NOTE: In verbal and non verbal communications, the word,
CONGRUENCE is important. Congruence is another very important
word we should and must implore in order to make a good
communication. Congruence simply defined is merging in correct
proportionality all the facets involved in communication. By this I
simply mean your words should be in accord with your body
gestures, your actions and your tone of voice. You don’t expect
someone to take you serious if you communicate anger to them with
a smiling face and a very calm voice!
• When I talk of congruence still my mind runs back to mass when we
are asked to offer each other a sign of peace. Here you notice how
someone extends his/her hand to you for a hand shake of peace yet
his/her eyes are turned elsewhere. Yet he says peace be with you.
Now you wonder if the peace is given to you or to the direction he or
she is facing. This is a sign of real WAHALA in a set up and can give
rise to communication gap.
• What is your communication language? Have
you ever fallen into problem with anybody
because of it? How was it resolved?
•
• DYNAMICS OF COMMUNICATION
• Encodes decodes
• SENDER MESSAGE RECEIVER
FEEDBACK
•
• All messages are encoded by a sender and then
decoded by the receiver. What does it mean to
encode a message? It means that the message is
programmed. How do we program a message? We
program a message by giving it adequate planning.
If adequate planning is not done, the message will
be poorly sent, and if it is poorly sent, then it will be
poorly received, and if it is poorly received, then
communication barrier or failure or gap will occur.
•
• Again, what does it mean to decode a message? It means
interpreting it, making sense of it and deciphering and
translating it. Mistakes can be made at both ends (when
the sender intentionally or unintentional seeks to deceive,
or when the message is wrongly interpreted) and when
these happen, communication gap is created. NOTE: Body
messages or body language, touch messages, voice
message, verbal messages, and action messages are very
important in sending and receiving messages. A question is
asked concerning a prominent politician: ‘How can you tell
when he is lying?’ The response was, when his lips move’.
Genuineness is deemed important. How do you know
when someone is being real or phony, sincere or insincere?
You should use your decoding abilities to look for
congruence between what is said and how it is said.
•
• SPACES IN OUR COMMUNICATION
•
• Intimate conversation - 1 & half feet
• Personal conversation - 1 & half – 4feet
• Social conversation - 4feet – 12feet
• Public conversation - 12feet - beyond
•
• QUALITIES OF GOOD COMMUNICATION
•
• Communication in terms of building good relationship.
•
• Presence: Attending to another, acceptance and interest.
• Listening: Being open to words, thoughts and feelings of others.
It
• Requires sensitivity, understanding and not judging or
judgmental.
• Perception: (sensitivity, awareness) Understanding other person
point of view
• Caring: Involves helping others to grow and to actualize
themselves,
• that is, they must communicate, knowing patience, honesty.
• Disclosure: Getting people to get to know you as a person.
• Acceptance: In reverence when relationship is direct and marked by
• respect. That is, when one is accepted in the communication.
• Empathy: Putting yourself in the feeling of another person when
• Communicating. Feel like the other person since it enhance
• relationship.
• Authenticity: being honest, truthful in sharing with others in
• communication.
• Kind words: Gary Champman states that, “The tongue has the power of
life and death . . . An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word
cheers him up”.
• Love: Gary Champman again states that, inside every child (man and
woman), is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love . . .
•
• BLOCK TO COMMUNICATION
• Inaccurate perception of self and others. i.e. when there is inconsistency in
• Seeing others. This occurs when we refuse to accept people accurately,
(subjective, distortion, projection and even being armature psychologist etc).
• Failure to focus on message(especially when the sender is one that we are
prejudiced with or had misunderstanding with sometime ago)
• Inaccurate interpretation of message (prejudices, dislikes can lead to inaccurate
interpretation of message)
• Failure to maintain personal integrity (honesty is a virtue, don’t paint, don’t over
analyze)
• Upper classes and lower classes members in a community
• Cliques and coteries are to be avoided. They perpetrate injustice and inequality in
the community and cause division and tug-of –war. They destroy religious spirit
• Avoid duplicity. Do well to be sincere. Say what you mean, and mean what you
say.
• Avoid favoritism and nepotism. Avoid I know it all.
• Avoid linguistic, regional and ethnic groupings. In
other word, avoid the Babel experience
• Physiological. If we are ill or uncomfortable it affects
our communication.
• Psychological. A good example would be a family
bereavement. We should consider the other
person’s state of mind and make appropriate
allowances
•
• SKILLS OF SENDING MESSAGES
• Simplicity: Use commonly understood words. My English
language teacher always had an acronym she used when ever
she came to class: KIS -simply put, Keep It Simple. Duplicity
should be avoided at all cost. Bear in mind that you are only
passing on a message and not self exhibition.
• Clarity: Say exactly what you mean, no exaggeration. Don’t
add sugar and milk and salt. Be realistic and be plain.
• Timing: Know the appropriate time to send your message
across. When the time is not ripe, your message will not be
passed on.
• Own your messages: You should be able to make reference to
pronoun like: I, me, my. Some people would give their message
(especially when there is something they don’t want to own)
as though it is coming from another person. Be yourself.
• Be redundant: Repeat the message by use of many channels.
Don’t rush.
• Ask for feedback: Response or feedback is necessary to help the
sender to know if the message has reached the next person.
• Congruent: Make your verbal and non-verbal messages
congruent that is, let them correspond in your communication.
• Manifest constructive attitudes and beliefs: For example, try as
much as you can to be patient. (If you are cooking a stone, you
should not become impatient or complain of using too much
firewood ( if you have a difficult task to accomplish, you must
have patience and work hard without complaining).
• TECHNIQUES FOR RESPONDING
•
• Restating: Listening to the basic message and then repeating those
• thoughts and feeling in similar words
• Clarifying: A method of making messages more understandable by
• paraphrasing
• Using open-ended question and statement: “What do you think”
“How did you feel?” “Tell me about it”
• Focusing: Wait for the speaker to finish, then you focus on the
• message, the idea, presented to you.
• Be specific: Don’t beat about the bush.
• Be tentative:
• Be informative:
• Using touch: Be sensitive to attitude and culture), all the same, in our
society shaking hands is a way of communicating openness and social
closeness to another individual. When, on rare occasions, one refuses to
shake hands with another, it communicates a message that things are not
right in their relationship
• Using silence: Be comfortable in silence, keep quite)
• Summarizing: Learn to bring together all that is said.
• When communication flows as it should in a community, there will be
peace, joy and laughter. Laugh is a tranquilizer with no side effects. If
men/women are more willing to laugh, they would have no need of so
many hospitals, as attested by Dr Schweisheimer. He said, “according to
modern research, laughter affects all the organs of the body from the lungs
to the intestines. Laughter hastens the cure of diseases.
• LET US ASSUME THAT THERE ARE FOUR STAGES IN RELIGIOUS LIFE
•
• BR. EGO: Brother Ego is always on the look out for what can most
benefit himself. His closest friends in the community are those who are
on his side, who always agree with him and who help him get his own
way. He rarely puts himself out for others and when he does, he lets the
other know that his help has a ‘price’. He worries a great deal about his
own bodily needs and contributes most to community life when there is
a party. Pleasure means happiness for him. He has a great deal for
security and does not feel at ease with situations wherein he might not
have control. He is subject to temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his
own way and much of the energy of the other members of the
community is expended on trying to cheer him up when he is down . . .
• Sr. Approval: Sr. approval as her name suggests, has a
great need for approval from others. He functions best
when he is told that he is doing a great job – but should
that praise be not given, he quickly loses interest in the
task at hand. He prefers a stronger superior who will
make all the significant decisions for him and he is
highly critical of leaders who throw challenges out to
him to think for himself. He needs plenty of rules and if
they are not there, he will make the community
formulate them. He puts great value on work.
•
• Br. Concern: Br. Concern is very conscious of the religious
life ideals and is very much a self – starter. He resents being
told what to do, which he associates with being treated as a
child. His independence of spirit leads him to identify with
the needy of society and makes him very vocal about
human rights. Those who do not count are those who
oppose him. Community discursions are very much of a
“win lose” situation. He is admired by many of the Brothers
for his forthrightness, but perhaps with little real depth of
feeling. He can feel superior to those less articulate than
himself or who appear to be conformers.
•
• Sr. Harmony: Sr. harmony knows herself pretty well and realizes
that, within a community, he can be her best self. Her relations with
others are based on mutual respect, understanding and affection.
She is slow to condemn what he does not fully grasp. While being
motivated by high ideals, she is not so unrealistic; she knows that
Rome wasn’t built in a day. She has her feet on the ground and
rarely subject to moods. She is the sister in the community that
everyone can relate to and when things need saying, she can do it.
•
• If you are to live with these men and women in the community,
what are the communication skills and techniques you would adopt
in dealing with each of them so that communication can flow?
• DIFFERENT TYPE OF EMOTIONS
•
• Anger
• Love
• Sadness
• Happiness
• Joy
• Sorrow
• ANGER MANAGEMENT
• For communication to flow in our communities,
anger management should be as essential as
Finance management, Health management or
Career management.
• Anger is one of the emotions. It is defined as a
strong feeling of displeasure and antagonism
aroused by a sense (real or imagined) of injury or
wrong.
•
• A STORY 1.
• An ancient rabbi once asked his pupils how they could tell when the night
ended and the day was on its own back.
• The first student answered, “When you can see an animal in the distance
and be able to tell whether it is a sheep or a dog?” “No,” answered the
rabbi.
• The second one answered, “When you can look at a tree in a distance and
tell whether it is a fig tree or a peach tree?” “No” said the rabbi. The
pupils then asked in chorus, “Well then, when is it?
• The rabbi said, “It is when you look on the face of Your brother/sister and
recognize that he/she is your brother or your sister. If you cannot do this,
then no matter what time it is, it is still night.”
• Could it be possible that we live under the same roof in the communities
and it is still night for us?
•
• CAUSES OF ANGER Stimuli and triggers

• Frustration Environment
• Injustice Culture
• Genetic Individual perception
• Violation of my conviction Emotional state
• Learned Behavior Body – state of health and
• Threat to self-esteem fitness
• Perfectionism (when expectations are not met)
• Selfishness (when demands are not met)
• Suspicion (when motives of others are in doubt)
• Unfulfilled desires and expectations
• Sickness
• Examples of physical consequences:
• Headache
• Migraine neck pain
• Ulcer
• Backache
• Sexual dysfunction
• Insomnia
• Restlessness
• Loss of appetite
• Shoulder pains
• Lack of concentration
• Fatigue
• Chronic constipation
• Hypertension
• DESTRUCTIVE AND CONSTRUCTIVE WAYS OF DEALING WITH ANGER. Anger is
like a sharp knife.
•
• DESTRUCTIVE WAYS
•
• Direct hostility: Knocking of doors, kicking things out, etc.
• Displaced hostile: Bringing out anger on another person who is not part of the
problem. This is manifested into religious life and ministry. We can also talk of
displacement, that is, when we cannot confront the real sources of our
frustration, pain, and envy, we tend to pick a fight with someone weaker
• Apathy: Indifferent. That is, whatever is said seems good or agreeable to the
individual because of anger.
• Passive aggressive behaviour: Responding gently to a request while angry with
somebody.
• Substance abuse: Taking drinks, drugs, quench anger.
• Free floating hostility: When you see everybody as an enemy to you. Nobody
is good to you.
• ALL THESE ATTITUDES GIVE RISE TO COMMUNICATION FAILURE
•
• CONSTRUCTIVE WAYS
•
• There are direct and indirect means to deal with anger.
• Indirect means
•
• Recognized that you have a problem.
• Have the desire to do something.
• Physical exercises – running, walking football, etc
• Private exercises - singing and listening to music, writing, relaxation,
admiring creation, etc
• Cognitive restructuring.
• Breathing exercises. It brings the bodily system to equilibrium.
•
• Direct means
• Acknowledging the emotion (name it) that is, know
what is the cause of the problem.
• HOLD IT.
• Don’t try to dismiss your passion too quickly. Don’t
try to judge it too quickly. For example, you are
angry, tell yourself – “Okay, I am angry again. Do not
try to deny or pretend that it is not there, just let it
be there, experience it.
•
• OBSERVE IT
• Don’t run away from it. Just look at it. Study its
texture, its form, its shape, its source, its goal.
Ask yourself some penetrating questions such
as, where did my passion come from and
where is it going? Why am I acting this way?
Why am I angry? Why am I resentful? Why am
I judgmental? Hold it, and observe it.
•
• TRUST THE BEST PART OF IT.
• Having held it and observed it and stayed with
it, you will definitely discover that some of it
will gradually roll away. Like a cobweb, you can
blow some of it off your hand. With
experience, you will learn to recognize that,
“This is not real. This doesn’t truly matter.”
God uses our style to bring about a style of life
that is greater than the sum of its broken parts.
• FORGIVENESS –the best way to deal with anger.
• Forgiveness is a commitment, it is also a choice. It can be difficult and it can
take time. Forgiveness means that we change old patterns of beliefs and
actions that are driven by our bitterness.
• Christopher Arnold states that, forgiveness is a door to peace and happiness.
It is a small, narrow door, and cannot be entered without stooping.
• Forgiveness is love practiced among people who love poorly – Henri Nouwen.
•
• Forgiveness is the interior and sincere act of letting go the offence of another
who has hurt me and my pride. It is the process of letting go or overlooking
whatever we think other people might have done to us, or whatever we think
we have done to them. (Rev. Fr. Eugene Suom-Dery).
•
•
• WHAT IS FORGIVING AND FORGETTING IN A
RELATIONSHIP?
• Forgetting is putting others’ mistakes, faults,
and misdeeds behind you; they are no longer
brought up and no longer remain a barrier to
your relationship.
• It is the lack of further discussion with no
ongoing negative references to the event.
• Stage of forgiveness
•
• Forgiveness is a gradual process, which takes place daily.
• Acknowledge your hurt: Know what happen and accept it. Then you
• can forgive.
• Decide to forgive, make it a choice, make it a point of duty
• Remember that forgiveness is a process – Rome was not built in a day
• Know that forgiveness is not easy. It is sometimes difficult, of cause it is
human beings that undertake what is difficult
• Recall testimonies when you felt forgiven / when you forgave
• Learn to forgive yourself
• Try to see those who hurt you in the manner that God sees them.
• Consider the consequences of non-forgiveness
• Spend time in prayer
•
• STORY 2.
• A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. In a
specific point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend
slapped the other one in the face, GBAWAii. The one, who got slapped,
was hurt, but without anything to say, he wrote in the sand:
• "TODAY, MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE."
• They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to
take a bath. The one who got slapped and hurt started drowning, and the
other friend saved him. When he recovered from the fright, he wrote on a
stone:
• "TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE."
• The friend who saved and slapped his best friend, asked him, "Why, after I
hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now you write on a stone?"
• The other friend, smiling, replied: "When a friend hurts us, we should
write it down in the sand, where the winds of forgiveness get in charge of
erasing it away, and when something great happens, we should engrave it
in the stone of the memory of the heart, where no wind can erase it"
• WHAT IF THE PERSON I’M FORGIVING DOESN’T
CHANGE?
•
• Getting the other person to change their actions,
behaviors or words isn’t the point of forgiveness. In
fact, the other person may never change or
apologize for the offense. If the person is adamant to
change, then think of forgiveness more about how it
can change your life – by bringing you more peace,
happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing.
• WHY IS IT DIFFICULT TO FORGIVE?
• When we are offended, our pride is hurt. Ironically, this pride is
unwilling to swallow the very pill that it needs for a cure. We
think it is weakness, cowardice or defeat to give in, to let go, to
forgive. Forgiveness can be very difficult especially where the
social environment encourages the law of an eye for an eye
and a tooth for a tooth.
• As long as I consider myself to be the innocent sufferer, and
the other as the unjust aggressor with no right to be forgiven,
then forgiveness will be difficult to come by. We should change
our perception; learn to let go and let God.
•
• A STORY (3) FROM AN ANGLICAN BISHOP IN THE YEAR 1100
• When I was young and free, I dreamed of changing the world. In
maturity I discovered that the world would not change, so I decided to
change my country. After some effort I ended up understanding that
this too was impossible. At the end of my years, I tried to change my
family but they went on being the same as they were before.
• Now on my death bed I discovered that my mission on earth was to
change myself. If I had done that, I would have been able to change my
family. Then, with a little luck, that change would affect my country,
and then, who knows, I might have changed the whole world.
• People waste much time worrying about changing others and their
attitudes but rarely spend time to change themselves and their
attitudes.
• Beliefs shared by people who refuse to forgive or forget
• I was hurt so much; how could you ever expect me to forgive and
forget that person? Over my death body!
• I am sick because of that treatment; how can I ever forgive or forget
that?
• It is a sign of weakness to forgive and forget like that. . .
• Only God can forgive and forget, though at times I don't believe He
does either.
• It is easy to say, ``I'm sorry.'' You can never trust anyone who says, ``I'm
sorry.''
• All people who do wrong deserve the worst life has to dish out. He has
done wrong and he deserves to receive it . . .
•
• HOW TO CULTIVATE FORGIVENESS
• Forgiveness can be cultivated through:
• Overcoming the temptation to harbor grievances
• Don’t fuel quarrel between or among people
• Take the first steps to forgive colleagues who are guilty of offence
• Help others to patch up their quarrels
• Refraining from getting by the reprimands and corrections of others, especially the
elders
• Being the first to make an apology for improper behavior
• Avoiding rudeness, sarcasm or hash behavior
• Avoiding gossip, slander, and backbiting
• Practice indulgent spirit. This virtue excuses and diminishes the faults of others and very
easily forgives them. St. Bernard is an example of an indulgent spirit. He once said, “My
dear brethren, whatever you may do to me, I have resolved always to love you, even if
you did not love me.”
•
• LEARN TO MANAGE YOUR ANGER
• Do not let off the steam on another person rather yell at God, if that is what feels
right to you. He can take it. He not only hears your outrage but he shares it.
• When the one frustrating you refuses to change his behavior and is obstinate,
then you should make some changes. Madow advices, “If a situation bothers
you, the best thing to do is to make the changes necessary for your own comfort.
Insisting that the blame be placed where it belongs and that the person at fault
must be the one to change may lead to further unhappiness.”
• It is important to know that anger that is not verbalized will demonstrate itself
some way in the frustrated person’s attitude or behavior
• Do not confront when angry rather talk it out. If the rage is much, you had better
not talk rather have a time out.
• Patience is a virtue. A hot-tempered one is like one in a high fever, while the
patient man is like a physician who moderates the fever, and restores happiness
and peace . . .
• Ventilate your feelings with a trusted 3rd person as a way of taking some
of the destructive edge off the anger. Hans states that, “The simple
truth is that if you are experiencing difficulties with significant people in
your life, chances are that you will feel better if you talk to someone
you trust.”
• The communication of anger should be kept current as a way of
preventing its accumulation to the point of becoming fury or rage. Most
of the major outbursts of full blown rage are caused by a build up of
minor stresses rather than major hurt
• When discussing your anger with the person you suspect to have
triggered it, try to avoid the term “sandbag aging.” This means
resurrecting stale angers that go back six months and that were never
aired.
•
• SOME FOOD FOR THOUGHT
• Don’t fly into a rage unless you are prepared for a rough
landing.
• A Filipino saying advises: “Postpone today’s anger until
tomorrow” Always count down before blasting off.
• Seneca equipped, “The best cure for anger is delay”
• One of the worst fruits of anger is revenge. No passion of
human heart promises so much and pays so little as that of
revenge.
• Instead of revenge, consider what the Bible
•
• FRUITS OF FORGIVENESS
•
• The one who forgives has nothing to loose, rather one stand to gain in
every respect.
• One experiences inner peace and harmony
• One gains freedom and release from fear and guilt
• Forgiveness allows one to see only love in the other and nothing else
• It enables us to make fresh starts in life and to renew all our relationships
• It helps us to cope with our inner conflicts and to walk through life with
confidence and hope
• Forgiveness brings us closer to God
• It provides the ability to be merciful and compassionate in dealing with
others.
• Forgiveness makes a person partake in an act
which is divine
• It brings blessings on both the forgiver and the
forgiven in relieving the weight of guilt
• Forgiveness heals broken relationships with
peace, magnanimity and clemency and initiates
inner healing
• When you forgive or are forgiven, the self
esteem blossoms
• NEGATIVE WAYS OF EXPRESSING OUR FEELING
•
• - Label (You are self-centered)
• - Command (“Shut up” “Go away”, “Sit down”)
• - Question (“Are you crazy?”)
• - Accusation (“You are a murderer”)
• - Sarcasms (I don’t care)
• - Disapproval (“You are terrible”)
• - Name calling (“You are a beast”)
• QUESTION: People say that a problem is half
solved if its source is known.
• Can we know the source or the cause of our
anger? How?
• Can there be any anger that we will be unable
to know its source or cause? Can you give
example? In that case, what should we do?
•
• CONFLICT
•
• WHAT IS CONFLICT?
• An emotional reaction to a situation or interaction that signals disagreement of
some kind. The emotions felt might be fear, sadness, bitterness, anger or
hopelessness.
• A disagreement through which the parties involved perceive a threat to their
needs, interests or concern (physical, emotional, power, status).
• Although conflict is often uncomfortable and energy-consuming, it can be a
positive force for change and bring an otherwise stagnant relationship out of
dormancy and into new life and vitality.
• Conflict is not a new phenomenon. Conflict has been a parcel from one
generation to another. The followers of Jesus had conflict among themselves as
to who to sit on his right and who will be at the left.
•
• We cannot talk about conflict without knowing what is EGO.
Our ego is the greatest gift given to us. It is what makes us like
God. But then it has put us in opposition to God. Adam and
Eve received this great gift to be like God and after a time
began to resist God and his central position. In this situation
Ego becomes e – g – o = edging-God-out. Ego therefore
becomes what makes divisions – There is me, the EGO and
other OBJECTS. The ego makes us love things and use people.
It makes us desire to be great. It makes us slaves to the
opinions and approval of others. Consumer society thrives on
the ego – it makes us fear not having the right car, fashionable
clothes or the latest gadget. It loves shooting others down.
• TYPES OF CONFLICTS
• 1. Inter-personal conflict (disagreement between individuals on
a personal level)
• 2. Intra-personal conflict (within oneself) As individuals, we are
often at conflict with ourselves about values, choices,
commitments, feelings, relationships, etc
• 3. Intra group: disagreement within groups e.g. over what is
correct policy, or strategy, about standard values, about laws etc
• 4. Inter-community: Between two bigger groups who are allied
by territory e.g. Catholics and Protestants.
• 5. International: between nations
•
• OTHER TYPES ARE:
• -Destructive
• -Constructive conflicts
• CHARACTERISTICS OF DESTRUCTIVE CONFLICT
• Diverts energy from real task
• Destroys morale
• Deepens differences
• Obstructs cooperative action
• Produces irresponsible behavior
• Creates suspicion and distrust
• Decreases productivity
• Changes communication patterns
• Changes perception of self and others
• Leads to inflexible and rigid behavior
• Labeling people as enemy
• CHARACTERISTICS OF CONSTRUCTIVE CONFLICT
• Develops clarification of an issue
• Improves problem-solving quality
• Increases involvement
• Provides more spontaneity in communication
• Initiates growth
• Strengthens a relationship when creatively resolved
• Helps increase productivity
• Greater social justice
• Equity
• Mercy
• Changing oppressive systems
• Sharing resources fairly
• CAUSES OF CONFLICT
• DIFFERENCES
• People are different in their characters, temperaments, likes
and dislikes etc. No two persons are the same. Even if we are
blood brothers or sisters, we came from different eggs. Even if
we are identical twins, we are still different. Because of our
differences, we are bound to disagree on certain issues.
• PREJUDICE/BIASE
• Prejudices are opinions formed before one has adequate
knowledge, experience or proof. It could be defined as a set of
assumptions about a group of people or object based on a half
or none truth
• JEALOUSY/ENVY
• This can knowingly or unknowingly cause you to dislike a
person without a cause, and hence one can behave in a
way that can hurt the other and this can result in a conflict.
• INJUSTICE AND CORRUPTION
• When there is injustice in any system, the masses will be
dissatisfied and eventually may rebel. We have seen
injustice create clashes and divisions in homes, Churches,
communities etc. When there is injustice, one party is
suppressed and when you are pushed to the wall, you can
react negatively.
• CAUSES WITHIN ME
• Values: For example, I march in a parade protesting the building of a nuclear
plant. My value, which says that building weapons for war is morally wrong,
leads to a behavior (protesting) which generates conflict with those who have
opposing values.
• Need: We are gathered in a group. I monopolize the conversation. My friends
dislike it. My excessive need for attention leads to behavior (talking too much)
which generates conflict with those who would also like to talk.
• Feeling: I do not talk to my colleague for 3 days. By the third day he says he
has had it. My anger, which is being poorly expressed, leads to behavior
(hostile silence) which generates conflict with someone who is the object of
my hostility.
• Physical state: I become dizzy while driving and hit a parked car. The owner of
the car is furious. My physical state (dizziness) led to behavior (impaired
driving) which generated conflict with a total stranger.
•
• CAUSES WITHIN THE ENVIRONMENT
• Healthy personal differences: I prefer to go to
Obuasi mine for outing. Others prefer Kumasi.
• Unhealthy Behavioral Patterns: A friend gets drunk
and insults guests at my home. My friend’s
unhealthy behavior (getting drunk and being
abusive) generates conflict among those who have
done nothing to provoke it.
• Personality clashes, etc.
• CONFLICT CYCLE
•
•
• BEHAVIOUR
• CONFLICT
• UNDERLING CAUSES
• precipitate
•
•
• An unmet need for Monopolizing conversion people
are
• recognition irritated
•
• WHY DO WE AVOID CONFLICT?
• Engaging in dialogue and negotiations around
conflict we approach with fear – fear that
conversation will go worse
• History of individuals involved in conflict
without success
• Society rewards alternative responses to
conflict rather than negotiations
• Negotiations require courage and humility
• How can you identify the symptoms of conflict in a community?
• Sub groupings
• Not admitting that conflict exists when we are really hating each
other
• Communication difficulties
• Being deaf to the validity of another’s opinion.
• Secrecy about things going on, when the information is not really
private.
• Rivalry (opposition, competition, enmity, jealousy etc)
• Controlling the group by silence.
• Insensitivity.
• Using honesty as a weapon, and at the same time dishonest.
• Making jokes to cover up discomfort.
• Keeping the community closed –(insecurity)
• Emotions: anger, fear, despair, confusion etc.
• Appealing to authority to resolve differences
(probably during the superior’s canonical visit)
• Cognitive: who does he think he is?
• Culture of silence/inability to be assertive especially
during meetings. Nobody to bell the cat.
• Inability to conduct community meetings and when
this is done, withdrawal and apathy become the order
of the day.
• WHEN CONFLICT DOES NOT SEEM POSSIBLE TO
RESOLVE
• Situations where the person(s) who is the
primary source of the conflict does not want
reconciliation and rejects all attempts at conflict
resolution
• Situations where the person(s) who is the
primary source of the conflict is incapable of
eliminating or changing the behavior that
precipitates the conflict
• Environments or situations containing sources
of conflict that are beyond our capacity to
influence or change
• WHAT TO DO WHEN CONFLICT DOES NOT
SEEM POSSIBLE TO RESOLVE?
• Aside from praying for the direct intervention
of God, there are three broad options:
• Leave the environment
• Decide on a coping strategy
• CONFLICT THAT CANNOT BE RESOLVED
• Environmental transfer: leave a job, a home, hostile
relationship. Don’t settle into the role of passive
victim.
• When this is not a good or possible solution, it
becomes necessary to adjust our expectations.
• WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO ADJUST EXPECTATION?
• Make a conscious decision to live with the problem
• Stop complaining about the problem (this
demands cessation of all gossip, all negative
comments, all judgmental thinking)
• Make a decision not to feel sorry for ourselves
• Eliminate all conscious plans and efforts to resolve
the conflict. Accept the fact that things won’t
change
• Coping strategies are all those things that support us
in our effort to stay in a difficult situation without
being debilitated (harmed) by it such as, talking with
a trusted friend or seeing a counselor on a regular
basis
• They help us keep perspective, broaden our base of
support and maintain a sense of self-respect.
• Starting a new hobby
• Engaging in regular physical activity
• Becoming involved in an outside projects
• CONFLICTS THAT CAN BE RESOLVED WITH THE
SUPPORT OF A COUNSELOR
• Such conflicts are those in which one or more
of the persons involved lack the psychological
health needed to engage in productive
conversation.
• What does it mean to lack the psychological health needed?
• If one or more of the persons deny any responsibility for the
conflict or blame others
• Cannot admit or express feelings
• Cannot listen without interrupting
• Tend to distort reality or to misinterpret what others say
• Currently using drugs or alcohol
• Have noticeable psychological symptoms such as severe
depression
• Anxiety
• Paranoid ideas (suspicious, fearful etc)
• Loss of touch with reality
• Uncontrollable outbursts of temper
• A tendency to attack physically
• PERCEPTIONS AND BEHAVIOUS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE IN CONFLICT
•
• (The dynamics bellow produce out comes that are destructive to the
relationship and rarely resolve the key issues in a satisfactory manner).
•
• MIRROR IMAGE: It is not uncommon for both of you to feel that you
are an innocent victim who represents the truth and justice and who
is being attacked maliciously by an enemy.
• In most conflicts both people are firmly convinced that they are right
and the other person is wrong and that they want a “just” solution but
the other person does not.
•
• MOTE-BEAM MECHANISM: Often in conflict
situations one clearly sees all the underhanded and
vicious acts of the other person while being
completely blind to identical acts engaged in by
oneself.
• In most conflicts both people repress all awareness
of the mean things they do to the other but
become quite indignant about the mean things the
other person does to them
•
• DOUBLE-STANDARDS: Even if both people are
aware of identical acts engaged in by
themselves and the other person, there is a
strong tendency to feel that what is legitimate
for you to do is illegitimate for the other
person to do.
•
• POLARIZED THINKING: As problems intensify,
polarization sets in and people feel obliged to
move into one camp or the other. It is difficult
to find mutual ground. Everything they do is
good and everything the other person does is
bad.
• EVALUATING THE UNDERLYING CAUSES OF CONFLICT
• Don’t assume that it is the other person’s fault. Look at the
things that I am doing which helped to generate this conflict
or from getting resolved.
• What is the behavior that is visible, or external cause?
• How am I behaving? How is the other person behaving?
• Is there any dimension of my behavior making the conflict
worse? Keeping it from being resolved? What am I doing
that is hard for the other person to handle?
• Is my behavior appropriate (proportionate) to the severity of
the conflict? Am I overreacting?
• MANAGING CONFLICT EFFECTIVELY
• Have accurate information about anger and all of the other emotions
related to the conflict. You can do so by talking to others, reading, etc.
• Intellectual information alone can’t help. Move the information from a
head level to a heart level. Make a decision.
• THEN: think before speaking
• Keep to the point and be brief. Avoid rambling and repeating.
• Be specific. Give clear examples so the person knows what you are
talking about.
• Speak slowly. Talking fast adds tension. Make a conscious attempt to
slow down.
• Speak in a low tone. Anxiety causes the throat muscles to tighten making
the voice pitch higher. A high shrill tone is offense.
• Breathe. Don’t hold your breath. This only increases discomfort.
Concentrate on breathing slowly and deeply. You will feel more in control
of yourself.
• Look at the person you are addressing. Establish eye contact.
• If you start to feel defensive, say so. (I feel defensive when you tell me that
I don’t understand you).
• Give the other person a chance to talk. Listen without interrupting.
• Listen intently. When the other person is talking don’t think about what
you are going to say as soon as he or she stops
• Talk about your honest feelings and perceptions regarding the situation.
Don’t accuse, attack or judge.
• Avoid giving the other person advice about what he or she should do.
• If the confrontation results in an adequate expression of feelings, ask the
other person how he or she feels about the session before you depart.
• Try to make some joint decisions about future
actions if that is appropriate
• Before terminating the session, thank the
other person for listening to you and for
expressing his or her views
• CONFLICT STRATEGIES
• Conflict strategies take into account two major
concerns:
• First, reaching an agreement that satisfies one’s
needs and meets one’s goals.
• Second, maintaining an appropriate
relationship with the other person. Some
relationships are temporary while some are
permanent.
• THERE ARE FIVE CONFLICT STRATEGIES
• The turtle (withdrawing). If you act like this, you give up both your
goals and the relationship. You avoid the other.
• The shark (forcing). If you act like this you try to achieve your goals at
all costs, demanding that the other person let you have your way, no
matter how much it hurts the relationship.
• The teddy bear (smoothing). You give up your goals in order to
maintain the relationship at the highest level.
• The fox (Compromising). You give up part of your goals and sacrifice
part of the relationship in order to reach an agreement.
• The owl (negotiating). You initiate negotiations at ensuring that you
and the other person both fully meet your goals and maintain the
relationship at the highest level.
• CONFLICT STYLES AND THEIR CONSEQUENCES
• Avoiding style
• People decide to stay away from conflict as much as possible.
• The philosophy is “Perhaps if we don’t bring it up, it will not blow over,” we
say to ourselves, and so the conflict is ignored, hoping that it will go away.
• What happens then is that feelings get pent up, views go unexpressed, and
the conflict festers until it becomes too big to ignore.
• Like a cancer that may well have been cured if treated early, the conflict
grows and spreads until it kills the relationship or destroys the entire
community.
• Because needs and concerns go unexpressed, people are often confused,
wondering what went wrong in a relationship. Lose/Lose
• The avoiding style corresponds to THE TURTLE strategy (Withdrawing)
• Controlling style
• This approach is based on a perception of
conflict as a win or lose situation
• It is either us or them, and we must win at all
costs
• Whatever power is seen as being appropriate to
achieve victory will be used. Win/Lose
• The controlling style corresponds to THE SHARK
strategy (Forcing
• Compromising style
• The compromiser’s approach is based on the belief that, if
both parties can involve themselves in a process where each
side can win some of what they want and drop some of their
demands, then an expedient solution to the conflict can be
achieved.
• Such a middle ground solution will partially satisfy both sides,
but can often leave unresolved issues which may surface in the
future
• We often retain a lack of trust and avoid risk-taking involved in
more collaborative behaviors. Win some/lose some.
• This style corresponds to THE FOX strategy (Compromising)
• Accommodating style
• This style is primarily concerned with maintaining
relationships between people or groups in conflict.
• It tries to reduce differences of opinions by
emphasizing only what people have in common
• It co-operates, agrees, give in or go along with the
other side
• This style corresponds to THE TEDDY BEAR strategy
(Smoothing )
• Collaborating style
• This style tries to find solutions to the conflict which
will address the concerns, fears and the issues behind
the stated goals of the parties.
• It explores options where both sides will win. Win/Win
• This style acts not only on behalf of own concern but
will focus on the opposing parties concern also
• It is called the joint problem solver, and it sees the
problem as essentially a joint one.
• It corresponds to THE OWL’S strategy (negotiation)
• RECOMMENDATIONS
• Don’t avoid conflict
• Don’t use diffusion tactics e.g. jokes,
unnecessary or premature harmonizing;
prayer/discernment
• FACE IT!
• CONFRONTATION – A GIFT
• Often we find ourselves needing to confront
someone yet feeling powerless to do so.
• The word “confront” sound ominous and fearful.
• I prefer to think care-front rather than confront ,
with the idea that one takes the role of confronter
out of true caring for the individual and a desire
to support or encourage that person’s growth.
• CONFRONTATION IN SCRIPTURES
• God is seen as a caring God. When God asked Adam
and Eve, “Where are you?” God asked a very
important and caring question.
• When God asked Cain where Abel was, that was a
caring question. God asks us also whether we value
others enough to be concerned about them.
• John the Baptist announced the coming of Jesus and
was not afraid to confront by stating, “Reform your
lives!” To the Pharisees and Sadducees, he said, “You
brood of vipers! Who told you to flee from the wrath
to come?”(Mt 3:2, 7-8). He also confronted Herod,
who had married Herodias, the wife of his brother
Philip (Mk 6:17-18; 22-28)
• JESUS’ APPROACH TO CONFRONTATION
• No one confronted like the way Jesus did.
• He was not only willing to console people by his many miracles of
mercy; he was also willing to upset their comfort zones.
• Jesus lashed out at the Scribes and Pharisees, calling them
“hypocrites”: “Let them go their way; they are blind leaders of the
blind. If one blind man leads another; both will end in a
pit.”(Mt.15:7,14).
• He also called them “frauds”… (Mt. 23:15).
• Jesus’ message was not all sweetness, but he challenged us: “if your
brother” (Mt.18:15-17)
• Some of us tend to write letters or notes, but too many letters and
notes have been misunderstood or misinterpreted.
• Face-to-face encounters can often settle what the written word
cannot.
• If personal encounter fails, then we should seek the advice of a
wise person (Dt. 19:15).
• If seeking the advice of the wise fails, according to Matthew’s
gospel, take the matter to the fellowship of Christians, so that the
situation may be judged in a spirit of love and prayer.
• Should this also not produce any results, then regard the person
as no better than “a Gentile or a tax collector” – although even
they can be forgiven, as was obvious from the lives of Zacchaeus
and Matthew.
• So, don’t ever abandon someone as hopeless
• Continue to love the individual because, as St. Paul
tells us, “Love never fails” (1 Cor.16:8).
• When Jesus taught his disciples he was going to suffer,
be rejected, be put to death, and rise, Peter took him
aside and began to remonstrate him. Jesus confronted
Peter, “Get out of my sight, you Satan..” (Mk 8:33).
• Philip said to Jesus, “Show us the Father and that will
be enough for us.” Jesus was probably hurt by Philip’s
statement and confronted Philip with the words of
John 14:8-9).
• PURPOSE OF CONFRONTATION
• The purpose of confrontation is not always to change the behavior of
another person.
• It is to create an environment in which it becomes possible for a
person to change his or her behavior.
• It presents the person being confronted with an opportunity for self-
examination. An example is in second book of Samuel where Nathan
confronts David.
• Jesus was a master at creating the climate for someone to change.
E.g. Zacchaeus.
• Another purpose of confrontation is to offer the maximum amount of
information with the minimum of threat and stress. E.g. the
Samaritan woman at the well.
• When confronting a person or group, we have to make sure we
are not trying to punish. It is easy to get even, to exact revenge
or to dominate a person or group through confrontation.
• Too often, we use confrontation to relieve our frustration or
anxiety – to tell people off, to show we are powerful etc. This
approach increases conflict and stress rather than diminishing
or lessening them.
• We should always be more interested in promoting people’s
growth or creating a climate that helps them change. Jesus did
not lash out at the men who brought an adulteress to him. He
calmly said, “Let the man among you who has no sin be the
first to cast a stone at her” (John 8:7).
• The men started to walk away, realizing their own sinfulness.
• Jesus then gave the woman some sound advice: “You may go,
but from now on, avoid this sin” (John 8:11)
• Forms of confrontation (These do not work).
• Conflict is often dealt with indirectly rather than directly.
• For example, we take a cold shower, go swimming, scrub the
floor, or watch television instead of confronting the person.
• Watching television – especially violent shows –can be a
way to vent some of our feelings. Watching football games
or wrestling matches can sometimes be a way to deal with
frustrations or hidden anger.
• We can also use verbal abuse – in the form of cynicism,
sarcasm, ridicule, or caustic, critical remarks – to deal with a
person or a group.
• Sarcasm can be devastating. Some may do it in a humorous
way, but it can injure someone’s reputation or make a person
feel very uneasy.
• Some of us are not even aware of how sarcastic we are. When
confronted about our sarcasm, we deny it or insist that we
intended no harm.
• Snide (dishonest, disparaging) remarks are made about others
or particular situations.
• This and other indirect ways of handling a situation do not
work. What we do not talk out, we will act out.
• Acts chapters 5, 6 and 15 give us some clear examples in the
early church.
• Resisting confrontation
• When confronted, we often find escapes or make excuses.
• Some ward off confrontation by defending themselves: “I have
always been this way.” “Sorry, this is the way I am.” “This is how I
was in the beginning, am now, and ever shall be.” Probably the
best answer is, “Then nature has done badly.”
• Some of us respond by attacking the confronter, saying, “You do
the same thing.” That often leaves us in a powerless position.
• Sometimes we procrastinate, hoping that maybe the person will
change and we won’t have to confront. We keep on tolerating
the behavior or the situation which usually becomes worse.
• Manner of confrontation
• If confronting means that we are interested in another’s growth, we need
to pray over the matter before engaging in this delicate act of
communication.
• Don’t put yourself in an “I win, you lose” situation. If we are honest with
ourselves, we know how biased we can become toward someone else.
• In confronting speak to the person as an equal, not as someone inferior to
you. When Jesus spoke to others, he demonstrated a radical mutuality. He
did not consider himself better than others, even though he was sinless.
• Be careful not to act out of revenge, punishment, or domination, or trying
to shame the person.
• Even though Jesus called the Scribes and Pharisees hypocrites, he did not
lash out at them in a spirit of revenge or punishment.
• It is easy to shame someone before others. This can be most humiliating and
often accomplishes little, if any good.
• It is easy to blame a person, which only evokes a lot of resistance and
resentment. Experts point out that blame is powerless to effect any true change
and growth. We saw that in Adam blamed Eve, where Eve blamed the serpent.
• In confronting we need to focus on one’s behavior and avoid attacking the
person or what might motivate him or her to act in a certain way. Jesus pointed
out the behavior of the Scribes and Pharisees. “Their words are bold but their
deeds are few…They are fond of places of honor at banquets and the front
seats..” (Mt. 23: 4-7).
• Be careful to state what fact is and what is feeling. Too many feelings can be
expressed in a condemning or judgmental way. Perhaps you have asked someone
for information and received only a grunt, groan, or silence in reply. A
constructive response might be, “Please tell me what that groan/silence means.”
• Deal with one problem at a time, not a whole litany of grievances. There
is the tendency to unload on the person or to recall things that
happened many years ago.
• Often one is unable to recall these incidents or is too emotional during
the encounter to accept more than one problem.
• When we complain about something, for example, a room left dirty, we
have to make sure that our complaint is really about the problem stated,
not about a deeper problem, such as an inability to relate to the person.
• Often one is unable to recall these incidents or is too emotional during
the encounter to accept more than one problem.
• The confronted person or group should be allowed to give feedback in
order to make sure that we are understood. Too often we can express
our point of view and then ask, in a domineering way, “Are there any
questions?” We may receive no answer, because the confronted person
or group does not feel free to give us feedback.
• Some argue it is important to confront immediately and not to wait or
procrastinate. Procrastination has been characterized as the devil’s
chloroform. Not confronting immediately only makes it a tough job later.
• BENEFITS OF CONFRONTATION
• First, the ability to ease the tension and conflict that often arise
between individuals or within groups.
• Often tension and conflict continue to grow, and matters get
worse or deteriorate.
• Second, confrontation is a powerful way to build healthy
relationships, which are so necessary for growth. It is a way to
help us out of mediocrity and prod us to achieve more growth.
• We need to make others feel important, as Jesus did, and to take
them where they are not, not where we want them to be.
• We need an understanding heart in confronting others. Words
may fail us at times, but love will bridge whatever gap is there.
• Patrick Brennan writes, “I think that there might be more enduring relationships,
healthier people, less compulsive self-destructive behavior if more of us learned to
gently confront, challenge, intervene, rather than ignoring dysfunctional behavior;
engaging in avoidance behaviors, or sweeping obvious problems under the rug.”
• Confrontation is an important facet of communication. It can bring us closer to
others, and interpersonal closeness helps us grow as persons.
• We are most a person when we communicate effectively.
• Our growth is dependent on our contact with others; the deeper the contact, the
greater the growth that will result.
• Confrontation is an encounter that demands risk and pain.
• But the results can be most gratifying, especially to help clear the air and to
express our feelings, which can improve and deepen our relationships with others
– the ultimate goal of confrontation.
• Confrontation can help us know ourselves and others better and enable us to value
more the gift of friendship.
• JESUS A MODEL FOR COMMUNICATORS
• A. The Hearers of His Communication
• 1. The source of Jesus’ communication was his intimate relationship
with God - His Abba. He was conscious of God’s spirit speaking and
acting through him.
• Lk 4: 16-30
• 2. His one obsession was to do and communicate His Father’s will.
• Lk 12:32
• 3. He had a relentless desire to usher in the Kingdom of God- a
kingdom of peace, love, truth, and justice.
• Mk 12: 28-31, Lk 11: 14-23.
• 4. Jesus had a deep compassion for his audience and he recognised
their needs.
• Mt. 11: 28; 14:14; Mk 2, 23-28, 6, 30-34; Lk 6,
6-11; 7, 12, 26-50.
• 5. His communication with people was
personal and for their benefit. Each encounter
was unique and spontaneous.
• Mt. 7, 12; Mk 10: 17-22.
• 6. His communication reveals his great respect
for human life- his keen observation and
attentiveness to whatever is simple, honest,
and holy in the human condition.
• Mt. 13, 44-46; 11:25; 7, 47-48; Lk 9, 47-48
• B. His communication style
• 1. He had extraordinary supernatural gifts: intelligence-wisdom Lk 2, 40, 52,
authority
• Lk 4, 31-32, mind-reading Lk 7, 39-47, healing Mt. 16, casting out demons Mt 8,
16, 28-32.
• 2. He must have had a powerful voice:
• Mt 13, 1-3; Mk 6:37.
• 3. His teaching was full of familiar symbols, word-pictures and imagery from
everyday life.
• Lk 6: 47-49; 5, 36-39; 12, 22-31, 13: 24
• 4. He spoke in parables and stories.
• Mt. 23, 47-50; Mk 4, 1-9; 4, 30-32; Lk 6, 43-46, 12, 22-31; Mt 8, 5-13, Mk 1, 40-
45.
• 5. He used nonverbal communication.
• Mt 9, 18-31
• 6. He used humour.
• Mt. 17, 27; Mk 6, 45-52.
• 7. He used miracles to make a point.
• Mk 2, 1-12; Lk 5, 1-11.
• 8. He chastised those who were blinded by hypocrisy, wealth and self-righteousness.
• Mt. 11, 20-24; Lk 6, 24-26; Lk 11, 37-12:1
• 9. His zeal for the Father’s house provoked him to use violence.
• Mt, 11, 15-19.
• 10. Imbibing his message requires courage.
• Mk 13, 9-13; Mt. 10, 26-28.
• C. It’s effect on his audience
• 1. His listeners found him speaking with an authority that far exceeded that of their
regular teachers.
• Mk. 1, 27; Mt. 9: 32-34, Lk 4: 36; Lk. 7, 16.
• 2. His words had an immediate effect on: evil spirits Lk. 4, 31-35, 7, 11-15; diseases Mt
9, 27-31, 8, 1-4, nature Mt. 8, 23-27, death Mt. 9, 18-36.
• Communication Methods of Jesus Christ
•
• 1. His life communicates for him. His incarnation, birth in a manger,
the 40 days in the desert, passion, death and resurrection. All these
are manifestations of his mission and his commitment to being sent
by the Father for redemption of the world.
• 2. As an itinerant preacher, he preaches virtually everywhere:
synagogues, Temple, private homes, by the seaside and mountains.
• 3. He speaks to the people in their daily experience and aspirations,
their concern and worries which he brings to the Father’s will. In
his stories, he used familiar examples of daily life, e.g. work of
fishermen, farmers, shepherds, bakers and widows.
• Guiding Principles of Jesus’ Communication
• 1. He segmented his audience. Segmentation refers to
identification of a group within a larger audience to whom one
will target for a message. In Jesus’ life, we see this in his
encounter with the Syrophoenician woman (Mk 7: 25-30). In this
encounter, Jesus is not being rude to the woman but merely
telling her that she is not part of his primary audience and that
any time spent with her or anything done for her is at the expense
of his target group. In our communication endeavour, we must
realise that we cannot appeal to all people at the same time with
the same message. We must choose which part of the larger
society our message will be best suited to and remain with that
group.
• 2. His communication was within the context of his
receptors. Speaking in contexts familiar to receptors
increases the chances of the message being well
received. Manipulation and persuasion used in the
message should be geared towards the good of the
receptors. They should be treated as we would want
them to treat us. He spoke using things (sheep, seed,
bread, figs, etc) which were familiar to the people of his
time. His stories made use of places and things known
to them, e.g. the Lost Coin, Sheep, Son (Lk 25), the Ten
Virgins (Mt. 25,1-12).
• 3. He had different means of communication
to the different people He came across. His
communication to the Pharisees and tax
collectors was not the same. We can say he
was more charitable to tax collectors, inviting
them to salvation (cf. Lk 19, 1-10) than he was
to the Pharisees whom he used harsh
examples, to call them to conversion.
• DEALING WITH PEOPLE WITH DIFFICULTY
• GENERAL POINTS:
• Dos
• Identification of the difficult behaviour pattern. Identify what are the
behaviours which are presenting the problem and analyze these in more
detail. What, when and how often? Is there a pattern?
• Ask questions; keep them simple. What makes you feel angry about what is
happening in the project at present? I am aware that you have taken on this
new project, but you already appear to be fully stretched with your other
commitments. Would it be better to ask someone else to take on this project?
Asking questions of others in the team or organization is also helpful.
• Name the problem and listen to the response of the person concerned with
empathy, asking gentle probing questions to uncover what the person is
thinking and feeling.
• Identify possible solutions. Identify a number of options to address the issue
positively.
• Follow through the chosen plan and monitor regularly.
• Don’t reject out of hand. The difficult person may have
something valuable to say.
• Agree wherever you can.
• Defuse hostile emotions. When the person is in the grip of
anger or frustration, you are wasting your time trying to
reason or have a conversation. Wait until the person has
calmed down a little.
• Buy time to think. Pause and say nothing. Try not to get
hooked because of your own anxiety or indignation. Divert
eh discussion with a story or a joke.
• THE PASSIVE AGRESSIVE:
• Dos
• Passive aggression arises out of the mismanagement of anger and
aggression. It is repressed and hidden. To recognise it, it is helpful
to be attentive to unexpected feelings of anger in ourselves and
others. Passive aggression is covert (secret, hidden) and the persons
behaving in this way may not be sufficiently self aware to realise the
effect of their behaviour on others. They are trying to avoid being
seen as aggressive even though they feel negative and angry about
something.
• Empathise and probe gently. What makes the passive aggressive
angry? Within the relationship encourage the discussion of feelings
in a non-judgemental way. Build up trust in the relationship.
• Attend to inconsistencies between their actions and words. Give
them feedback and probe what this might suggest about their
feelings.
• Affirm assertive behaviour. They are frustrated and annoyed and
they can not express this in an appropriate manner. Affirming their
assertiveness encourages them to express their emotions and
thoughts and reduces their fear of being judged negatively for doing
so.
• Manage your own expectations of their efficiency and inability to
complete tasks. Work with them to set realistic achievable goals
which can be reviewed regularly. This will increase their self esteem
through the achievement of goals and reduce your feelings of
frustration with the passive aggressive.
• Don’ts
– Agree with their complaints and negative
comments but listen to them.
– Be afraid at times to interrupt especially if you are
having difficulty controlling the structure of the
conversation
• THE SUPER-AGREABLE PERSONS
• Dos
• Reassurance of personal acceptance and respect for their honest
opinions will encourage trust and openness within the relationship. The
super-agreeable has low self esteem and is fearful of conflict and
disapproval. The more accepted and affirmed the super-agreeable feels
the more likely they will be honest about their feelings and limitations.
• Affirm assertive behaviour. Conflict avoidance is a controlling factor in
their behaviour pattern, the affirmation of assertiveness and saying ‘no’
to requests will enable them to manage their commitments more
realistically.
• Be clear with them on priorities and help them plan their
commitments.
• Don’ts
– Allow them to make unrealistic commitments
– Allow tension and disagreement to escalate.
When tension increases they are more likely to
agree to things they cannot achieve.
• THE HOSTILE AGGRESSIVE
• Dos
• Give them some time to ‘calm’ down
• Listen and try to ascertain what the cause of conflict/frustration is, and how
they are feeling about it. It is also necessary to be able to express your feelings.
Good listening skills and the ability to express yourself well are important in
resolving a problem involving hostile aggressive behaviour.
• Draw attention to the way you are being treated without becoming hostile.
• Share how you feel but do not attack the person.
• Watch the non verbal expression of anger and control. If they are not seated
encourage them to do so.
• Maintain eye contact.
• Be empathetic and try to establish the facts.
• Stand up to the hostile aggressive without fighting!
• Don’ts
• Attack the person
• Worry about always being polite - you may
need to interrupt
• Argue with what they say or try to demean
them.
• Tips for dealing with negative aspects in others:
• When you see someone go into attack mode or excess defensiveness,
recognize that it is useless to argue with them.
• Realize that the person is feeling very insecure at that time.
• Don’t continue to push them because they will only get worse.
• If the symptoms only seem to occur when the person is under stress, wait
until another time to pursue the discussion.
• If they are always overly defensive or always attacking others, you may need
to find another person to work with who does not have the same problem.
• Keep your own sense of self-confidence and don't allow yourself to be
verbally abused.
• If the difficult person is your boss, reconsider whether it's time to find a job
elsewhere.
• Tips for supervising people with negative
aspects:
• Help the person see how much their negative
behavior is damaging their career potential.
• Set goals for them to learn to work better with
others and monitor their behavior until it
improves.
• If it does not improve within a reasonable time,
send them packing.
• Tips for overcoming negative aspects in yourself:
• Learn to recognize when your defensive mechanisms come up. Realize
that you are probably not really being attacked.
• When you catch yourself feeling defensive, don’t react so quickly.
• Learn how to listen when someone asks a question or makes a suggestion.
• Ask people to re-state their question/comment/suggestion.
• Try to understand what others are saying by repeating back what you
think you heard.
• You may want to ask for more time to respond, then get back to them.
This will give you time to work with the question/comment/suggestion
without the pressure of being on the spot.
• Do consider that other people have good ideas that are just as valid as
yours.
• Take courses or workshops in listening skills and team-building.
• Find someone who can help you work on this negative aspect of yourself — a
good friend, coworker, teacher or counselor, a brother or a sister.
• If it is someone that you interact with regularly, ask them to let you know when
you are being a jerk and call your attention to what you are doing. That will help
you learn to see what situations and events trigger your insecurity.
• Recognize that changing learned patterns of insecurity and defensiveness may
take years of work.
• Don't give up on yourself.
• Learn to understand your own personality and your unique strengths and
weaknesses.
• The effort to improve your ability to get along with others will be rewarded as
you find more career opportunities open up for you.
•
•
• Avoids being serious about an issue and
prevents others from being so by
inappropriate chattering or joking
THE GIRAFFE
By assuming a superior attitude she or he belittles others who are involved in something and avoids becoming involved
herself / himself
• THE ELEPHANT
• Through stubbornly obstructing she or he
prevents the group from reaching the desired
goal
• THE TURTOISE
• Withdraws and protects self by refusing to
give ideas, opinions, or take a risk

•
•
• THE CAT
• Person who always looking for sympathy or
complaining and giving excuses. Avoids
responsibility
• THE DONKEY
• Avoids challenge or tension of change by
stubbornly sticking to a point of view
• THE LION
• Person who is aggressive and unapproachable
when challenged in a way by others
• THE PEACOCK
• Person who boasts and draws all attention to
self to the detriment of the group. Is always
seeking affirmation or praise.
•
• THE OWL
• Uses many complicated words to express
simple things. Pretends to be very intelligent
• THE SNAKE
• The person who holds back in a group and
attack or criticizes unexpectedly, causing
damage or harm
• THE RHINO
• Aggressive person who upsets people
unnecessarily by what she or he thinks or does
• THE MOUSE
• Person who avoids challenge or conflict by
being timid, fearful, or shy to offer opinions,
ideas, suggestions etc.
• THE FISH
• Passive-aggressive style which shows no
response where response is needed or would
be appropriate
• THE FROG
• A person who expresses thoughts or opinions
in a manner that is boring, uninteresting, or
else who harps on the same subject in a
boring, monotonous way.
•
• THE HIPPO
• Person who doesn’t participate, but looks
bored. Defense against challenge and taking
responsibility.
• THE CHAMELEON
• Plays safe but altering ideas and opinions to
suit people she or he is with. Little sense of
autonomy
•
• THE RABBIT
• Avoids conflict, tension or unpleasantness by
running away
• THE OSTRICH
• Person who avoids difficulties, tensions or
conflicts by denying their existence
• THE HEN
• Person who actively interferes with and
gossips about others, causing, increasing
trouble and dissension
• THE PORCUPINE
• Person who takes revenge in an indirect way