GE 0304 Self Development

and Interpersonal Relationships

Lecture 7 – Concept of marriage

Instructor – Ng Wai Hung Edward

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Objective

1. To help students examine their attitude

towards mate-selection
2. To help students understand the concept of
marriage
3. To clarify the myths of marriage

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Choosing a mate
 Most couples pass through three stages before they marry --- the
stimulus, value, and role stages.
 The stimulus stage: Couple is first attracted to each other by their
attractive physical and social qualities.
 The value stage: test the compatibility of their values. The more
similar and mutually pleasing their values are the stronger their
attraction becomes.
 The role stage: The couple at this stage can see how the values
are expressed in role behaviour and real life situations.

 If the balance sheet of mutual benefit at this stage is positive and

approximately equal, the couple may choose to enter into
marriage.

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Poor mate choosing

1. Omitting stages in the mate selection

process
2. Lack of emphasis upon being the right
partner
3. Playing a false role and camouflaging
needs

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Wise mate selection

1. Know yourself
 What are your most important needs?
 Do you need lots of attention and want
others to admire you?
 What type of person do you seem most
compatible with? Why?
 Why do you wish to marry?
 What do you expect of you spouse and of
yourself?

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Wise mate selection

2. Know the prospective marriage partner

 What kind of person is you prospective
partner?
 What are his/her major values?
 Are those value compatible with yours?
 Do you feel comfortable together?

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Wise mate selection

3. Consider the effects of the relationship

 Does the relationship bring out the best in
both of you?
 Can you promote each other’s welfare and
happiness in the future?
 What with the relationship be like 10 years
from now?

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Wise mate selection

4. Examine the compatibility

 Are your needs, personalities, attitudes,
experience, etc. similar or complementary,
or both?
 If incompatibilities exist, are they ones that
you can accept and live with?

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Wise mate selection

5. Consider the psychological comfortableness

factor
 Do you feel at ease with you prospective mate?
 Can you be yourself and act naturally around
him/her or do you feel you must maintain a certain
image?
 Do you feel free to confide in each other?
 Do you trust each other?
 Do you feel confident that your prospective partner
is committed to you?

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Marriage Models
Judith Wallerstein's Marriage Models:

 Traditional - In this type of marriage, the husband is the

breadwinner and wife is the homebased homemaker.
 Companionate - These unions are based on the spouses having
mutual interests in their careers and children.
 Rescue - The central focus of this type of marriage appears to
be on being able to heal the damage of a dysfunctional childhood
or earlier hurting and damaging relationships.
 Romantic - For these married couples, the initial romantic spark
is essential and exciting and for them, sensuality continues
through decades together.

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Marriage Models
Mavis Hetherington's Marriage Models:

 Traditional - Partners have distinctly defined roles and the relationship is in

jeopardy if one spouse decides to change their role. As long as both are
okay with their roles, their marriages have a low divorce rate.
 Cohesive-Individuated - These couples believe in combining gender equity
with intimacy allowing personal freedom. Renewal, affection, support, and
companionship are important to these individuals whose marriages have a
low divorce rate.
 Pursuer-Distancer - The most common type of marriage with one spouse
being aloof and the other wanting more intimacy. This type of relationship
has the highest divorce rate.
 Disengaged - These couples, with a low priority on intimacy and a strong
belief in independence, drift along together for years before their marriage
crumbles.
 Operatic - These volatile relationships often have heated fighting followed
by passionate lovemaking. Since they are prone to abuse, both emotional
and physical, they have a high divorce rate.

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Stages of marriage

Lipthrott, D (1998)
Stage I: Romantic Love: Convicted of LUI
(Loving Under the Influence)
 When you see things that you don't like, you

might deny or at least minimize them.

 You both find many ways to show your love.

When you're apart, you are thinking of one

another.

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Stages of marriage

Stage II: Disappointment or Distress

 start feeling anxious or disappointed.

 Things that you once liked about your partner have become
sources of frustration and hurt feelings.
 Frequently one or both partners engage in blame, criticism,
sarcasm, and put-downs.
 Winning and being right becomes more important than working
together and co-creating the loving, fulfilling relationship you both
want.
 Conflict can be a door to healing and personal growth. Conflict is
NOT the problem. This stage can be the door to deeper
connection and intimacy, and a fulfilling relationship -- if . . . you
learn and use some of the tools to transform it into the path to
real love.

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Stages of marriage

Stage III & IV: Knowledge, Awareness and

Transformation
 In this stage you gain new information and
insights about yourself, about your partner,
and about the nature of marriage or
relationship.
 This is the stage in which you not only
recognize that your relationship can be more
than it is, but also that you have the power to
make real changes.
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Stages of marriage

Stage IV: Transformation

 In this stage you practice the skills you are
learning about communication, stretching into
new behaviors, creating emotional safety,
etc.
 You become partners in the healing and
growth of the relationship.
 You hold in your mind and heart the vision of
the relationship you want and you work each
day to make it a reality.
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Stages of marriage

Stage V: Real Love

 This is the stage of deep respect and

cherishing of one another as separate and

unique individuals.
 It is a stage of joy, passion, intimacy,

happiness and having fun together.

 It is the stage of moving toward the spiritual

potential of committed relationship.

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THE MYTHS OF MARRIAGE

 As with many aspects of life, certain myths

exist concerning marriage.
 These myths, if accepted, can influence a
person’s perceptions of what marriage is like
as well as his or actual behaviour.
 Many people experience difficulties in marital
adjustment because of their belief in various
myths about marriage.

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THE MYTHS OF MARRIAGE

 Myth 1. Problem Galore

 Myth 2. Marriage is a Downhill Experience
 Myth 3. Marriage is a 50-50 proposition
 Myth 4. The Great Sex Difference
 Myth 5. Children will Cure a Bad Marriage

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THE MYTHS OF MARRIAGE

 Myth 6. Marriage is a Solution for Problems and

Unhappiness
 Myth 7. The successful marriage has no conflict
 Myth 8. Marriage is more important to women
than to men
 Myth 9. All Psychological Needs Should be
Fulfilled by Marriage
 Myth 10. Good communication Eliminates All
Conflicts

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