Why Your Child should be Happy and Confident all the time

David K Y Chay
M.A. B.S. (cum laude)
Health Psychologist

Positive Well-Being Strategies for concerned parents

 Over View
• A. Why Your Child should be Happy and Confident all
the time (20 mins)
– 1. Raising a Happy and Confident Child
– 2. The Importance of Good Modeling

• B. How to help your child if he/she is (80 min.)

– 1. Overly Stressed
– 2. Overly Anxious
– 3. Moody or Irritable
– 4. Having Anger issues

• BREAK (15 min.)

 Over View
• C. Using some concepts of Positive Psychology
(40 min.)
– 1. Resilience
– 2. Positive Values
– 3. Positive Self Esteem
 Over View
• C. Using some concepts of Positive Psychology
(40 min.)
– 1. Resilience
– 2. Positive Values
– 3. Positive Self Esteem
 Participant’s
• Goals and Expectations
– 1.
– 2.
– 3.

• “Always __________ a goal on what you wish

to achieve and __________ sing on how to
achieve it”
 PART ONE: WHAT IS YOUR PICTURE OF A
HAPPY CHILD?
• 1. laughing/sociable
• 2. values family time
• 3. playful and sociable
• 4. trusting
• 5. satisfied
• 6. willing to try new things
• 7. good attitude
• 8. good emotional regulation

(The points above was shared by parents in the workshop)

How? Parents in the workshop shared :

1. Spend time with them doing what they like to do
2. Engage/Spend time with them
Having CONFIDENCE IS important

“Without a humble but reasonable

confidence in your own powers
you cannot be successful
or happy”
Norman Vincent Peale
 The Confident child
• Self trust in his/her own abilities
• Cultivating confidence in children takes time
and effort
• Parents need to help their child to develop a
positive view of self
• By communicating “YOU CAN DO IT”
• Child will create within themselves such positive
self-thoughts as “I can do it”and I am capable”
 BE CAREFUL
• Not to criticize your child harshly (Positive parenting: the child will
defend himself/blame parents so trap in self-defence)

• Not to discourage them for their initiatives

…usually “out of curiosity”

• Not to compare them with other people’s children

• Not to constantly question them (They may feel you don’t trust
them. Parents can tell the child what they think is happening and
the possible consequences)

Book: Maureen Healy (Growing Happy Kid, 2012)

available from the library
 BE CAREFUL
• Do not be guilty of “overparenting”
– parents solve children’s problems
– Over parented child tend to become a protected
and spoiled child
– Help your child in the background instead
– Teach and support rather than protect

• Do focus on their strengths

• Do practise Positive and Firm Parenting

 Strength Approach
• Do focus on their STRENGTH

• Recognise their RESOURCES

• Allowing your child to learn from mistakes. 3

stages
– Adaptation
– Adjustment
– Learning coping skills
(A protected child can have adjustment disorder  so let
them learn from their mistakes & learn coping skills)
 TEMPERAMENT
• Do accept their TEMPERAMENT (traits which come at birth!/genetic)

• TYPES
– Easy or flexible
– Active or feisty
– Slow to warm or cautious

• IMPORTANCE
– Can help children express them appropriately
– Can avoid blaming themselves (parents) or a child for reactions
– Can learn to anticipate issues before they occur e.g ADHD
– Can avoid frustrating themselves (parents) and the child
(Teach the child to avoid blaming themselves)
Books: Books on temperament e.g. Spirit, Contentment, Temperament and The
Four Temperaments are available in the library. Also books on attachment are
available in the library. Know your temperament so you know what makes you
 Child’s Developmental Stages
• Erikson’s Stages Theory (of Psychosocial Development)
• Ages Adaptive Maladaptive Virtue
• 0 to 1 Trust vs Mistrust Hope
• 1 to 3 Autonomy vs Shame/doubt Will
• 3 to 5 Initiative vs Guilt Purpose
• 6 to 11 Industry vs Inferiority Competence
• 11 to 18 Ego Identity vs Role confusion Fidelity
(e.g. If the child fail to learn initiative, they will feel guilt)

Erick and Joan Erickson (1950)

 Positive Youth Development
• Competence
• Confidence
• Connection
• Character
• Caring
• Contributing
• (through families/schools/community organizations)
known as: supportive contexts or developmental assets”

Book: Lerner’s 6Cs (2009) - available at the library

“It takes a village to raise healthy children”
The Importance of Good Modeling
• Positive adult role models
• Children imprint what they see
• (look to model the behaviour of the honoured people
in their life)

(social learning: children mirror impressions & attitudes

from parents e.g. anger through anger display & shame
through parents. Children mirrors their parents)
 The Importance of Spirituality
• Spiritual life is experiencing the life from GOD

• Living out the spiritual life seen in Attitudes & Actions

- e.g. be grateful
 BREAK (10 mins)
• Men always to the LEFT… WOMEN always
__________!
 PART TWO
• B. How to help your child if he/she is (90 mins.)
– 1. Overly Stressed
– 2. Overly Anxious
– 3. Moody or Irritable
– 4. Having Anger issues
When Your Child is Overly STRESSED

(Some stress will motivate us)

 E.N.D.U.
• Provide a safe environment (for children)

• Attend to infant’s needs (some parents are negligent

e.g. depression so needs are not met so no trust)

• Development of child’s positive values

• Form a cohesive family unit

Book: Nelson, 2006 - available at the library

 Importance of Stress Management
for your child
• Feelings of the stressed child
– Anger
– Fear
– Alienation

(Parents should validate child’s feelings e.g. “I can

sense you are angry. Tell me more” Listen to your
child. Stress management should start at infancy)
 What Parents Do…
(What do you do if you find your child is overly
stressed e.g. can’t find things & become
• Guidance
• Reassurance
stressed)
• Your stories (What did you do at your age)
• Being a good example

• What Parents Do…

• Teach your child to deal with exam stress
• To handle bullies (most children never tell you. It is important to ask “How’s
things everyday.” Children will appreciate. Parents know when to come in &
walk out)

(Parents should validate child’s feelings e.g. “I can sense you are angry. Tell
me more” Listen to your child. Stress management should start at infancy)
Teach your child to deal with exam stress
• GOALS-STUDY PLAN – REVISE-STUDY
– Start early with schedule for revision
– Provide rewards for an early revision plan
– (be careful not to nag)
– Teach child how to manage time well
– (include playtime to let go “pent-up emotions”)
– Ensure child sleeping and eating well
 Teach your child to deal with exam stress
• Assist your chid to set realistic and achievable goals
• Know what to expect
• Use quizzes to test oneself
• “Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives
satisfaction.”
- Anne Frank, The Diary of Anne Frank
 Teach your child to deal with exam stress
• MAINTAIN a set of Positive ATTITUDE
• Do what you can TODAY…never procrastinate
• I need to do for myself what needed to be done; no
one else will do for me
• Exam is important. I must not find excuse to get
around it
• Planning is good but getting started is most important!
 Teach your child to deal with exam stress
• MAINTAIN a set of Positive ATTITUDE
• I have to believe in myself that I can do it!
• It may seem “impossible” but once I get started and
keep at it till it is done…it become “possible”
• The Road to Success is seldom easy and straight;
usually it is through many twists and turns to reach
success
• Ten Good reasons I give myself for studying (maybe can
ask your child to list this)
 Child’s vital needs
• Lots of “free time to play” (take it easy & spend time
on family time)
– cultivate exploratory needs
– Time with dad
A word on the absent Dad:

(Dad needs to spend time with children. Time with dad is

very important. Single parent need a substitute)
 Parent’s own needs (make sure parents
meet your own needs)
• Parent’s own hectic schedules
– Ways to de-stress: (not distress!)
– Relief daily tensions (not more caffeine)
– Good weekly relaxing experience
 Ways to become stress-resistant (For
Parents)
• Stop feeling guilty
• Be decisive
• Avoid being a perfectionist
• Set priorities for yourself
• Stop procrastinating
• Live an optimal lifestyle

(Parents in the workshop shared: exercise, list down

things to do, silent retreat, massage, watch a funny
show-laugh it out)
 Recommended for Reading
• NELSON LEE (2006) Living with Stress
 Ways to become stress-resistant (For
Parents)
• Stop feeling guilty
• Be decisive
• Avoid being a perfectionist
• Set priorities for yourself
• Stop procrastinating
• Live an optimal lifestyle

(Parents in the workshop shared: exercise, list down

things to do, silent retreat, massage, watch a funny
show-laugh it out)
 Benefits of Retreat
• Free from demands (a time from mundane activities of
living…including talking!)
• Free from anxiety (…on the road to positivity)
• Free from distractions (Helps in gaining clarity and
peace of mind)
• Time to re-focus and concentrate on God (on His
Attributes/on His Promises/on doing His Will/on God’s
time line)
How to tell if your child is overly anxious?
• Withdrawal
• Anger
• Fear
• Stomachache (psychosomatic symptoms)
• Cannot sleep well
• Hair pulling/nail biting etc.

(The above are inputs from parents in the workshop)

 PART TWO
• B. How to help your child if he/she is (90 mins.)
– 1. Overly Stressed
– 2. Overly Anxious
– 3. Moody or Irritable
– 4. Having Anger issues
 What to tell an Overly Anxious Child (These
techniques are for young children (2 to 4 years old)
• “I am here; you are safe.”
• “Tell me about it.” (find out more information)
• “How big is your worry? (make them realise it is not
big)
• “What do you want to tell about your worry?” (tell me
more)
• “Can you draw it?”

(These are powerful statements for children e.g. suffering

from separation anxiety etc.)
 Notes on Anxiety

• Childhood anxiety is frequent

• It is often unrecognised or misdiagnosed
• The child tends to be shy, cooperative and compliant
when in school
• It begins early in life and can become chronic
 Short Role Playing

• FRIENDS Program
– F=Feelings
– R=Remember to relax, Have quiet time
– I=I can try my best
– E=Explore solutions and coping step plans
– N=Now reward yourself
– D=Do it every day
– S=Smile! Stay calm, and talk to support teams

(Keep talking about the things that worry the child)

Specific Strategies employed by the Psychologist
(For parents/can refer to professionals)

• Recognizing symptoms (of anxiety)

• Identifying anxious thoughts
• Challenging anxious thoughts
• Using coping skills (e.g. relaxation, problem
solving)
• Be self-rewarding (for trying hard and achieving
goals)
Specific Strategies employed by the Psychologist
(For parents/can refer to professionals)

• Recognizing symptoms (of anxiety)

• Identifying anxious thoughts
• Challenging anxious thoughts
• Using coping skills (e.g. relaxation, problem
solving)
• Be self-rewarding (for trying hard and achieving
goals)
 When you have a teenager

• It is common to have quarrels regarding exams

• Do not nag
• Must be firm and have a schedule
• Set certain rules and if follow have a reward system-
tangible and intangible regards e.g. smile, praise
• Find out if child have issues e.g. ADHD
• Find out why child is not performing e.g. Homework,
mindset, teacher
• Make sure that the child agree with you and try
• Understand why the child is not doing it
• Parents need basic counselling techniques e.g. listen,
reflect, questioning techniques
 PART TWO
• B. How to help your child if he/she is (90 mins.)
– 1. Overly Stressed
– 2. Overly Anxious
– 3. Moody or Irritable
– 4. Having Anger issues
 When your child is irritable
• Possibility of having or developing depression?
 In Children…Observe for:
• More anxiety symptoms
• Somatic complaint (stomachache, headache,
palpitations)
• Temper tantrum
• Behavioral problems
• Preschoolers (5 years & below)
• May not be able to express feelings verbally
• Cry, appear tired, complain of tummy aches
• Poor sleep, poor feeding, poor weight gain
(Child may be depressed)
 In Adolescents…Observe for:
• Sleep and appetite disturbances
• Suicidal ideation and attempts
• Impairment of functioning
• Temper tantrums,
• Rejection sensitivity (problem forming friendship 
depression)
• Conduct problems, poor school performance, school
refusal, social withdrawal
• Headache, stomachache, body aches etc.
 Teenagers… Observations for sudden
changes
• Affect – upset/angry/rage (throw things/violent)
• Overly happy moods (high mood-masking)
• Withdrawn
• Easily irritated
• Loss of interest
• Blank look
• Thoughts – self harm/threat to others
• No or lack of communication
 Teenagers… Observations for sudden
changes
• Self care – messy/unkempt/poor hygiene
• Psycho social events
• Precipitators
• Sudden deterioration in academic performances
 Maxim
• Why be Sad when you can be Glad?
(David Chay, 2006)
 What parents can do
• First, understand what’s is happening
• Second, help your child understand what’s happening

(Learn to be a lay counselling by reading a basic book on

counselling)
 Specific Strategies employed by the Psychologist
(For parents/can refer to professionals)
• Teach Diffusion techniques (Try to take the person
away from their thoughts)
• STOP… (assist the child to problem solve. Go back to
the original problem that cause the problem)
• STEP BACK
• OBSERVE (see what is happening)
 Specific Strategies employed by the Psychologist
(For parents/can refer to professionals)
• Identify the Emotion/Feelings
• Learn to focus on the PRESENT (Instead of the PAST or
the FUTURE) (When the child is depressed, they revisit
the past & is regretful and view the future as bleak)
By paying attention to the environment: Sight/sounds/
sensations/thoughts/textures (Mindfulness – can
adopt some of this technique. Discipline their mind and
focus on the present. Keep from going to the past or
worry over future)
 Specific Strategies employed by the Psychologist
(For parents/can refer to professionals)
• RUMINATIONS
• Label the unhelpful thought
What am I reacting to? (What triggers that. Is it
helpful to think that way?)

What have I been thinking about here?

Am I getting things out of proportion? (make a

mountain out of a molehill)
 RUMINATIONS
• Am I spending time ruminating about the past or
worrying about the future?

• What could I do right now that would help me feel

better?

(Ask the child these questions)

 Specific Strategies employed by the Psychologist
(For parents/can refer to professionals)
• What’s the helicopter view? (help the child look at
situation from a higher level)

• Is this just a reminder of the past? (self talk: That was

then, and this is now. Even though this memory makes
me feel upset, it’s not actually happening again right
now)

(Parents/psychologists listen, reflect and draw out

emotions)
 Recommendation
• Book: Martin E. P. Seligman LEARNED OPTIMISM: How
to change your mind and your life, 2006)
 PART TWO
• B. How to help your child if he/she is (90 mins.)
– 1. Overly Stressed
– 2. Overly Anxious
– 3. Moody or Irritable
– 4. Having Anger issues
Importance of Anger management
• Anger is a mood (It is more than a feeling/changeable)
• Anger is also a response (follow by actions e.g. throw
things)
• When anger gets intense and uncontrollable
• What intensifies Anger
1. Perceived blame worthy (The child perceive
someone is to be blamed)
2. Cues (from the past)
(Being angry is ok. Without anger, we will be powerless.
If anger is too intense & uncontrollable, then it becomes a
problem)
 What intensify a Child’s Anger
• Child’s Perception
• Child’s Appraisal style (How child appraise
things)
• Child’s arousal
• Child’s ways of minimizing (positive experiences
or distorting them) (Minimize the positive part
and distort the negative part e.g. The child is
angry because the birthday cake is not what
she/he likes)
 What intensify a Child’s Anger
• Child’s core belief: (about self:
“unlovable”/world/God/lack social problem
solving skills: don’t know how to deal with it)
• Child’s Social problem solving
• Family Influences (on child’s information-
processing) (growing up in angry family
situation)
 Child’s Anger style
• People Pleasing (If married to an abuser, they won’t
fight back. Doormat, not assertive)
• Sneaky
• Self-Blaming (Anger cannot come up. Anger must be
expressed. If anger is kept inward, it may come out in
a different way. The child may have grown up with
parents who can be angry but child cannot be angry.
Authoritarian parenting style – child cannot get angry.
A visit to the psychologist can break through and help
the child express her anger)
• Volcanic
• Defensive (It is a way to protect themselves)
 Child’s Anger style
• People Pleasing (If married to an abuser, they won’t
fight back. Doormat, not assertive)
• Sneaky
• Self-Blaming (Anger cannot come up. Anger must be
expressed. If anger is kept inward, it may come out in
a different way. The child may have grown up with
parents who can be angry but child cannot be angry.
Authoritarian parenting style – child cannot get angry.
A visit to the psychologist can break through and help
the child express her anger)
• Volcanic
• Defensive (It is a way to protect themselves)
 Child’s Anger style
• Raging
• Grumpy
• Moral
• Vengeful
 What Parents Can Do
• Be aware of child’s anger (acknowledge it) (I sense you are
angry)
• Communicate to your child “Its okay to be angry”
• Hear him/her out…let child express her disagreement
• Allow child to express anger (so it won’t come out in unhealthy
ways)
• Help your child to realise: “feelings of fear”
• Help child to deal with self esteem (poor self-esteem make
them angry)
• Provide child with new learning experiences
• Teach child to increase frustration tolerance
(Help child identify their fear/anger. What they can do.
Help them know)
 Engaging a counsellor
• Help him to recognise internal triggers
(counsellor to identify internal triggers)
• Break negative dialogues to positive
• Be aware of any negative self-view (internalised
messages)
• Replace impulsive reaction
• Deal with power struggles in child’s life
• How to handle threat
 Engaging a counsellor
• How to do self reflection and self __________
exercises
• How to accept others (including self
acceptance)
• How to cope with anger
• To recognise the real cost of anger
 Recommendation
Book: Gary Chapman “ANGER: handling a
powerful emotion in a healthy way” (2007)
 PART THREE
• C. Using some concepts of positive psychology
– 1. Resilience
– 2. Positive Values
– 3. Positive Self esteem

(When the child is overly angry and overly aggressive,

he/she can develop other type of problems)

Book: Dummy of Positive Psychology

 RESILIENCY
• Resilience (the ability to ‘bounce back’. It
involves doing well against the odds, coping,
and recovering (Rutter, 1985; Stein 2005)
• Defining resilience
“the process of, capacity for, or outcome of
successful adaptation despite challenging or
threatening circumstances”.
(Some children are different from others. They
can bounce back. They can adapt to challenging
or threatening circumstances. A bad experience
 Importance of Resilience
• Children facing adverse situations often feel
lonely, fearful, and vulnerable
• These feelings are less overwhelming for
children who have the skills, attitudes, beliefs,
and resources of resilience
• “It is the human capacity to face, overcome and
be strengthened by or even transformed by the
adversities of life. Everyone faces adversities;
no one is exempt.”
 SPEAKER’S ANALOGY
Storm of Life
• The 10-year-old girl on a cruise journey
• Along the way, a storm came & the child is frightened
• She goes into the cabin & never comes out (anger,
shame, fear)
• What do you think happen when the boat arrive and
the child avoided the storm
• The child may have reached safely but she/he never
overcame the storm
• Every time there is a storm, you cannot cope
• The correct way is to accept the storm then cope (get
counselling if needed)
 Using the I HAVE, I AM, I CAN model (for
the child)
• I HAVE
• People around me I trust and who love me, no matter
what
• People who set limits for me so I know when to stop
before there is danger or trouble
• People who show me how to do things right by the way
they do things
• People who want me to learn to do things on my own
• People who help me when I am sick, in danger or need
to learn
(The child needs to realise this from young)
 Using the I HAVE, I AM, I CAN model (for
the child)
• I CAN
• Talk to other about things that frighten me or bother me
(no need to hide & bottle it)
• Find ways to solve problems that I face
• Control myself when I feel like doing something not right or
dangerous
• Figure out when it is a good time to talk to someone or to
take action
• Find someone to help me when I need it
(The child realise she/he can. The child will have the ability to
bounce back if they experience adversity & learn how to solve
it.)
 Using the I HAVE, I AM, I CAN model (for
the child)
• Identify the problem (situation)
• Reminds what “I Have”
• Explore child’s: what “I Can” do
• Let the child be part of the solution

Book: A Guide to Promoting Resilience in Children:

Strengthening the Human Spirit Edith H. Grotberg, Ph.D., (Aug
1995) The International Resilience Project
 PART THREE
• C. Using some concepts of positive psychology
– 1. Resilience
– 2. Positive Values
– 3. Positive Self esteem
 On VALUES
• Values:
Aspects of how people relating to themselves, to
others, to the future, how they view their
responsibilities to their communities

Signature strengths:
(person’s positive traits owned, exercise, and
celebrates) matters
 SIX POSITIVE VALUES
• Wisdom & Knowledge
Curiosity, interest, open-mindedness, creativity,
perspective (to provide wise counsel), love of
learning and knowledge
• Courage
Bravery, perserverance, zest, energy, authentic,
honest, integrity
• Humanity
Love, kindness, generosity, social intelligence
(what others feel, or what motivate others)
 SIX POSITIVE VALUES
• Justice
(Fairness, Teamwork, leadership…)
• Temperance
(Modesty, self regulation, prudence, caution and
discretion, forgiveness)
• Transcendence
(Appreciation of beauty and excellence, gratitude,
hope, humor, religiousness)
 Virtues Across nations
1. Kindness
2. Fairness
3. Authenticity (very powerful)
4. Gratitude
5. Open-mindedness
(Peterson and Park, 2009)

Research has found that these virtues help people

become happy & confident
 PART THREE
• C. Using some concepts of positive psychology
– 1. Resilience
– 2. Positive Values
– 3. Positive Self esteem
 Good Self esteem
• Feelings of being accepted by others
• Being recipient of positive evaluations from
others
• Believing that one compares favourably with
other people or one ideal self
• Believing that one can initiate effective action
in the world
(Hewitt, 2009)
 Importance of Self Esteem
• Self Esteem is related to
– Optimism
– Achievement
(Furr, 2005, Lyubomirsky, Tkach, & DiMatteo,
2006)
 Studies on positive self esteem
• Good predicator of subjective well being
(Campbell, 1981) pg 56

• Leads to increased happiness

(Baumeister, 2003)

(feel good & alive  cycle  achieve more 

self-esteem increases  achieve more)
 Exactly what is self-esteem?
• SE… composed of the thoughts, the feelings, and the
ideas that a person has about himself
• It is his/her overall judgment of himself
• It is how much he felt
respected, like and
valued by others (Parents need to give the child this
experience. e.g. Parents of children have to practise
respect. Let the adult child make the decisions.
Respect him/her but the child bear the consequences.
Treat him/her the same.)
(It is the quality of a child’s relationship with others
important to him.)
 Self-esteem is learned
• It can be Changed!

• We are not born with high or low self esteem (Instead,

our feelings about ourselves are learned from birth and
continue over our lifetime

Our feelings are constantly revised upward or downward

throughout life by the results of each additional
experience
 What parents can do
• Focusing on what children do right (rather than what
they do wrong!)

• Paying attention to how we praise children

(In Nelson, P.T. (Ed) (2007)

• Family Communication. Families Matter! A Newsletter

Series for Parents of School-Age Youth. Newark, DE:
Cooperative Extension, University of Delaware
 What parents can do
• Focusing on what children do right (rather than what
they do wrong!)

• Paying attention to how we praise children

(In Nelson, P.T. (Ed) (2007)

• Family Communication. Families Matter! A Newsletter

Series for Parents of School-Age Youth. Newark, DE:
Cooperative Extension, University of Delaware
 How we praise children
• 1. Be specific in your praise
• 2. Focus on effort rather than the product
• 3. Match your verbal and nonverbal
messages of praise
• 4. Be careful of exaggerations
• 5. Avoid comparing children
 How we praise children
• 6. Avoid combining praise and
constructive criticism
• 7. Encourage children to be the final
judge of their work
• 8. Praise in private
 Run a Check on Your Current Expectations
(For parents)
By asking yourself these questions…

• Why do I have this expectation?

• Where did it come from?
• Is it based on my wishes or my child’s
needs?
(Maybe the parents need to modify or
change expectations)
 Run a Check on Your Current Expectations
(For parents)
• Does it realistically fit this particular child…
at this age…with her temperament and
background?
• What purpose does it serve?
• Am I being fair?
• **Note: Weed out the expectations that
have no meaning for our child at his or her
stage of development
 Setting Realistic Expectation For your Child
(For parents)
• Adjust your expectations to suit the needs,
interests and environment of your child
• Are you setting appropriate standards of
achievement?
• Does your child understand how you want
her to behave?
• Do you have realistic, clear rules for
behaviour?
• Does your child understand the rules?
 THANK YOU
• For your participation and patience!

• chaykamyuen2016@gmail.com