Effective Listening

4/29/2012

Effective Listening

The single most important skill in personal relationships, selling, negotiating, and managing is listening. You cant have a successful relationship unless you are firmly committed to listening a majority of the time.

Effective Listening

Listening

60% in most relationships -The minimum 80% in some relationships - The maximum

If your partner wont listen at least 20% of the time, it is not a two-way relationship.
Its a one-way relationship like in theater, movies, print, broadcasting, or cable -- you are the audience.

Effective Listening
Listening is an essential component of communication.

The Communication Process

Source Message Channel Receiver Listening Understanding
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Feedback

The Elements of the Communication Process

Caring - The ignition system that starts it and

sparks it. Respect - The generator that creates its own electricity and keeps it going. Understanding - The pistons that power it forward. Fairness - The cooling system that keeps it from overheating and running smoothly.

The Power of Ethical Persuasion, Tom Rusk M.D., Viking, 1993

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Effective Communication Depends On:

Source credibility Message strength Channel effectiveness Receiver characteristics Listening effectiveness Responsive feedback

Effective Communication

Elements that enhance source credibility:

Trustworthiness Competence Objectivity Expertise Physically Attractiveness Dynamism Similarity

People like and trust people exactly like themselves.

Effective Communication

Elements that enhance message strength:

Two-sided argument Ordering effects

Primacy and recency USP (Unique Selling Proposition)

KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid)

Focus on benefits to the other person

Effective Communication

Channel effectiveness

Face-to-face most effective

Full, two-way verbal and non-verbal communication with instant feedback

Video (film, TV, e.g.) next most effective. Audio (radio, e.g.) next.

Video and audio can convey emotion and control emphasis, even though they are one-way. Cant convey emotion, one-way.

Print least effective unless the message is complex.

Effective Communication

Receiver characteristics that affect communication:

Intelligence

The receiver can understand and evaluate messages. The receiver trusts self to evaluate communication and make an assured decision.

Self-confidence

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Effective Communication

Effective listening is the foundation on which effective communication rests. You can improve not only your listening effectiveness but also the listening effectiveness of your partner on the road to agreement. The beginning of knowledge, learning, relationships, communication, and conversation is a question -- an open-ended question.

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Effective Listening

Ask an open-ended question. Adopt the proper attitude.

Optimistic, open, confident, trusting, respecting, nondefensive, and non-judgmental

Shut up and listen. Listen actively: nod, use gestures, smile

(Responsive feedback).

Concentrate on the speaker.

Dont take notes unless its absolutely necessary.

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Effective Listening

Do not step on sentences. Do not respond to negatives, objections, concerns too quickly.

If you do, you appear to be defensive. If you continually rebut arguments, youll stop getting them and wont learn anything. If you think of a rebuttal while trying to listen, you cant receive 100% of the information you hear.

Do not think of a rebuttal.

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Effective Listening

Respect the other sides statements.

Respect and learn about their view of the world.

Risk averse, conservative, entrepreneurial, needs recognition, affiliation needs, goal oriented, etc.

Listen for themes.

Be very sensitive to emotional cues. Listen in synchronization dont mimic.

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Effective Listening

Concentrate on the speaker (open body language). Acknowledge, dont always agree.

Oh, Uh-Uh, I see, e.g. Dont say Good, or Youre right, judgmental. Control your emotions. Be yourself, others can tell when youre not sincere.
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Do not react emotionally.

Listen with authenticity.

What good listeners dont do: *

Interrupt Respond too soon. Editorialize in midstream. Jump to conclusions. Judge the speaker. Try to solve the problem too quickly. Take calls or interruptions in the course of a meeting.

* The Trusted Advisor, David Maister et al, Free Press, 2000

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Non-Verbal Communication

Non-verbal communication conveys 65% of a messages meaning. Look for individual body language.

No universal body language.

Use gestures, space, openness, and your body language to:

Give the message you care about and like the other person. Match their style and pace.

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Non-Judgmental Listening

Listen, understand and accept other peoples perception of the world.

Spend time in their shoes.

Develop a non-threatening, non-confrontational attitude so people feel secure in opening up, revealing personal information.

Offer personal information first and then trade it. Find something you have in common with the other person.

Sales Effectiveness Training, Carl Zaiss and Thomas Gordon, Penguin Books, 1993
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Non-Judgmental Listening

Security creates an atmosphere of openness, honesty, and trust.

Open discussion is now possible.

Remember, trust is the oil and grease that keeps the communication engine moving along the road to agreement.

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Non-Judgmental Listening

Vary your responses, otherwise listening becomes a monotonous technique. Show genuine concern and caring.

I dont care how much you know until I know how much you care.

Never ask Why?

No challenges No obvious, manipulating techniques or leading questions: Have you stopped beating your wife? e.g.

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Non-Judgmental Listening

Goals:
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To understand the other persons needs

Often, the other person just needs to talk.

To understand another persons unique perception of their world.

Sales Effectiveness Training, Carl Zaiss and Thomas Gordon, Penguin Books, 1993
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Listening Roadblocks

Denying, minimizing Cheering up, reassuring, encouraging Sympathy, indignation, me-tooing, story-telling Advising, teaching

Become condescending

Sales Effectiveness Training, Carl Zaiss and Thomas Gordon, Penguin Books, 1993
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Listening Roadblocks

Taking over, rescuing Analyzing, probing, playing detective Criticizing, moralizing, warning Arguing, defending, counterattacking

All of these responses are judgmental. So the point is to shut up and listen and acknowledge unemotionally like a therapist does.

Sales Effectiveness Training, Carl Zaiss and Thomas Gordon, Penguin Books, 1993
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Effective Listening
1.

2.

Listen carefully, actively to other people. Rephrase their position/objection.

- Let me make sure I understand your positionyou feel our prices are too high?

3. 4.

Get their agreement that you understand.

- Is that correct?

Respond with a form of an I understand statement (vary your responses)

- I understand, - Feel, felt, found.
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Feel, Felt, Found

Respond:

I understand how you feel

Acknowledges their feelings and honors them. Reinforces and legitimizes their opinions so they know they arent stupid or silly.

Many customers have felt the same way

But we have found that higher prices are based on three things: highly targeted content, high demand, and high response rates. We have a 95% renewal rate.

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