CHAPTER 10

Conflict

Intimate Relationships, 3rd edition

© 2019 by W. W. Norton & Company
Questions About Communication

What sparks
disagreements in
couples?

How can partners

manage their conflicts
without damaging their
relationships?
What Do We Argue About?
• Temperature

• Food

• Tv Shows

• Driving
Why Do Lovers Disagree?
Lewin: Conflict = competing goals
• Partners have many different goals (e.g., which
movie they want to see, where they want to spend
the holidays).

• At some point, each partner in a relationship will

have different goals (e.g., wanting to see different
movies, wanting to spend the holidays in different
places).
What Do Partners Disagree About?
The Landscape of Conflict
Lewin’s definition of conflict was not specific to intimate
relationships.

Increased divorce rates, as well as couples seeking therapy

in the post-World War II era influenced increased research
on conflict between couples.

Before World War II, divorce was uncommon, relationship

problems were not publicly disclosed, and couple conflict
was thought to be the result of family history and
personality rather than interactions between partners.
Social Learning Theory and the Costs of Coercion
The social learning theory of coercion helped
researchers understand how people who care about
each other can become stuck in their communication
style.
Social Learning Theory and the Costs of Coercion
As psychologists James Snyder and Thomas Dishion wrote recently,
o Because social interaction inherently entails mutual influence, the
behaviors of both parties are shaped by the other’s behavior
during ongoing interaction…If refusal to respond successfully
terminates a spouse’s expression of distress, the person will come
to increasingly rely on refusal or withdrawal of attention as a
means of problem solving. However, there are other fundamental
classes of behavior that might be termed positive or “skilled”
(variously labeled cooperative, prosocial, nurturing, empathic,
warm, and supportive) available in individual’ social repertoire
that may serve the same functions as coercive behaviors…An
intimate partner may yell to settle a disagreement; however, that
strategy prevails only if it works better than empathy, listening,
and problem solving (2017, p.3).
Behavioral Building Blocks of Conflict
• Problems arise for couples who mismanage typical
couple disagreements.

• Partners need to be given tools and skills that help

them successfully state their disagreements.

• Interactions were studied through observation of

the couples’ disagreements, using a coding system
of their behavior.
Disagreements in Happy and Unhappy Couples
According to Gottman’s structural model of marital
interaction, unhappy partners engage in less positive
behavior and more negative behavior
• This negative behavior is accompanied by negative
affect.

Unhappy couples have more predictable patterns of

behaviors.

Unhappy partners engage in longer periods of negative

reciprocity.
Destructive and Constructive Strategies for Problem Solving
Destructive Strategies for Problem Solving Constructive Strategies for Problem Solving

Linking the current issue to other problems in the Staying focused on the problem at hand.
relationship.

Blaming your partner for the problem. Recognizing one's own contributions to the problem.

Listening in order to criticize your partner. Listening in order to understand what your partner is
saying.

Asking hostile and closed-ended questions. Asking open-ended questions.

Assuming you know what your partner is thinking and Asking your partner about his or her thoughts and
feeling about the issue. feelings about the issue.

Summarizing your own position and opinions. Summarizing your partner's position and opinions.

Following your partner's complaint with your own Following your partner's complaint with a request for
complaint. more information.

Working to show that your partner is wrong. Working toward agreement.

Prescribing what your partner must do to solve the Offering constructive suggestions about what you can
problem. do to solve the problem.

Delivering ultimatums. Remaining flexible and offering possible solutions.

Emphasizing points of disagreement. Looking for points of agreement.

Raising issues with an accusatory or hostile tone. Raising issues in a neutral and gentle way.

Rejecting your partner's view as invalid or Accepting your partner's view as important.
misinformed.

Displaying negative nonverbal behavior while listening. Listening with genuine interest.

Interrupting your partner. Letting your partner finish his or her thoughts.
Partner Perceptions of Behaviors During Arguments
Cognitive editing: Happy couples tend to view each
other’s behaviors in a more positive light than unhappy
couples do.

Reactivity hypothesis: Unhappy couples tend to be

vigilant for negative behaviors and tend to respond in
kind.

The talk table technique helps to identify sources of a

miscommunication between couples.
Food for Thought
It’s important that partners’
intentions are conveyed to each
other in navigating conflict.
• This conveyance involves
encoding of intentions and
meanings by one partner and
decoding of intentions and
meanings by the other
partner.
Broad Behavioral Patterns in Disagreements
Demand/withdraw pattern: One partner wants a
change and pushes the other for discussion on the
topic; the other partner does not respond.
• Especially likely concerning topics where women
are the ones who want change
• Especially likely among people who want more
change than their partners (i.e., unhappy partners)
• Can create a polarized relationship in which each
partner takes an opposing viewpoint on a
disagreement
Broad Behavioral Patterns in Disagreements
The Demand/Withdraw Pattern
Consequences of Couple Conflict
Poor communication is related to relationship distress.

However, support for a causal relationship between

good communication and satisfying intimate
relationships has not been found.
Communication Over Time
Longitudinal research suggests that strong negative
communication behaviors result in unhappy, unstable
relationships.

Typical poor communication skills have more subtle and

weaker impact on relationships:
• Poor listening skills
• Defensiveness
• Stubbornness
• Disagreeableness
Direct Communication
Direct statements, even when negative, have a better
outcome because they are direct, specific, and
reasonable.

Negative, vague statements trigger defensiveness and

counterattacks.
Positive Communication
In longitudinal studies, couples who have high levels of
positive emotion are stable over time.

However, couples with low levels of positive emotion,

their weak communication skills predict rapid decline
in relationship satisfaction.
Stress Hormones and Marital Satisfaction
Predicting Relationship Outcomes
Relationship scientists wondered whether they could
predict the fate of marriages by observing how couples
discuss disagreements.

However, cross-validation shows that prediction

studies may overestimate the amount of information
the observed behaviors contain.
• Prediction levels dropped dramatically across
different data sets.
Why Is Negative Behavior So Negative?
The key seems to be, not the behavior itself, but the
stressful reactions that accompany the behavior.
Attachment Theory and Couple Conflict
Engaging in conflict and disagreement may be more
stress-provoking for some couples than others.

Partners with a secure attachment style may feel less

threatened by conflict in their relationship than those
high in attachment-related anxiety and attachment-
related avoidance.
Conclusion
Conflict is inevitable in relationships.

Partners may engage in behaviors with varying levels

of negativity and with varying levels of negative affect
during conflict.

Partners’ interpretations of each other’s behavior are

key to their responses and to accompanying changes in
relationship satisfaction.