Introduction

•James 4:1 What leads to [the unending] [a]quarrels and conflicts among you? Do they not
come from your [hedonistic] desires that wage war in your [bodily] members [fighting for
control over you]? 2 You are jealous and covet [what others have] and [b]your lust goes
unfulfilled; so you [c]murder. You are envious and cannot obtain [the object of your envy]; so
you fight and battle. You do not have because you do not ask [it of God].
•When people hear the word “conflict”, they often picture something very negative, such as
fighting, arguing, bitterness, and anger. However, current research suggests that conflict by
nature is not negative at all.
•Conflict is not just a difference of opinion. Rather it is a series of events that have been
poorly handled as to deeply damage the marriage relationship.
•It is not how much you love each other that can best predict the future of your relationship,
but how conflicts are handled. That is why in this workshop we want to examine the facts,
causes, principles, steps, stages and effects of conflicts in marriage and causes as well. Let
me hastily say that even though conflict is inevitable, it can be avoided.
 BASIC FACTS ABOUT CONFLICTS IN MARRIAGE
1. Conflicts are inevitable but they can be avoided.
2. Conflicts always present an opportunity for couples to work through issues and come
out stronger on the other side.
3.No home is immune against conflicts and challenges (I Cor. 10:13).
4.One of the keys to marital success is adopting the view that conflict is good.
5.One’s perspective of and attitude towards a crisis / challenge would go a long way to
reveal a believer’s stand in God.
 COMMON CAUSES OF CONFLICTS IN MARRIAGE
• The root of almost all serious marital discord is selfishness on the part of one or both
parties (how?) Unrealistic, un-communicated or unmet expectations – Aaron Stern.
• Below are the four common causes of conflicts in marriage
1. Financial difficulties – ‘Spender’ versus ‘saver’ Marriage built on wrong foundation.
(Mention some of the wrong reasons people get married).
2. Individual differences – Differences in education, world perspective, temperament,
upbringing, culture, etc, would definitely introduce some challenges in the home.
3. Culture or tradition – the case of Jacob and Rachel, leading to polygamy (Gen. 30: 1-24).
4. Sexual difficulties – that is, sexual looseness or deprivation of a spouse
5. Eagerness to have a particular sex of children – This has affected so many Christian
homes (how?)
• Infidelity Too much interference from parents / in-laws
• Too much attachment or closeness to friends of opposite sex, even without ulterior motive
• Insubordination of a spouse Issue of Unsettled Bride Price
 7 STAGES OF CONFLICTS IN MARRIAGE
1.Stage 1. Occasional Verbal Quarreling (OVQ)
2.Stage 2. Frequent Verbal Quarreling (FVQ)
3.Stage 3. Occasional Physical Quarreling (OPQ)
4.Stage 4. Frequent Physical Quarreling (FPQ)
5.Stage 5. Psychological Separation
6.Stage 6. Physical Separation
7.Stage 7. Divorce
 SEVEN-FOLD HARMFUL EFFECTS OF
CONFLICTS IN MARRIAGE
1.Conflict DESTROYS relationship, fellowship, blessings and joy that should have been
enjoyed in the home
2.It DISTRACTS vision and focus
3.It DAMAGES one’s integrity and testimony if not quickly resolved
4.It DELAYS progress in the home
5.It DISORGANIZES. Well organized homes, lives, academics, ministry and business could
be disorganized through conflicts
6.It DISGRACES
7.It DIVIDES
 What are the wrong ways of resolving
Conflicts in marriage?
1.Nagging
2.Withdrawal / Avoidance attitude
3.Retaliation approach
4.Silence
5.Open expression of rage and anger
6.Verbal and/or physical quarreling
7.Reporting to friends/in-laws (third party approach).
8.Sexual denial
9.Bossy attitude on the part of either partner, taking advantage of the other partner’s
condition.
10.Rudeness and disobedience
 What are the Stages of resolving
Conflicts in marriage?
•Basically there are THREE stages of resolving conflicts marriage and any other institution:
•Stage 1. Desensitization – This involves allowing one’s partner to hear his / her complaints.
Desensitization involves helping people see several different ways of viewing a set of
circumstances. After people's feelings have been sufficiently surfaced and aired, move to the
second stage of conflict management.
•Stage 2. Deliberation - There should be a time for serious, mature discussion of the conflict by
considering the various points of view.
•Stage 3. Decision – Serious discussion should be followed by a decision to accept the
conclusion.
 What are the principles of resolving
Conflicts in marriage?
1.Clarify and identify the nature and area of the conflict.
2.Recognize and accept the feelings of your partner.
3.Let the Bible be your guide and compass in all situations. It has helped a lot of couples and yours cannot
be an exception.
4.Patience and prayer - Like in the case of Isaac and Rebecca (Gen. 25:21).
5.Beware of rumor, it destroys relationship.
6.Faithfulness, confidence in one another as in the case of Manoah versus his wife (Judges 13: 1-25).
7.Humility, respect and love. Before you see the wrong, see the right. This is God’s way of correcting bad
habit (Rev. 2: 2-4).
8.Never take your partner for granted.
9.Allow the Holy Spirit to lead
10.Accept the leadership of the leader (in this case, the husband is the head of the home)
11.Take care of any misunderstanding immediately
12.Speak the truth always – I Pet. 2: 1-2
13.Let there be no communication gap.
 CONCLUSION
•The man and woman, who have come together, surely must have grown under different settings
and backgrounds.
•It takes God’s grace and determination by the couple to “work” so that the family would succeed.
•Beginning with God is basic and non-negotiable (Exod. 2: 1; Luke 1: 5 -NLT). If you started as
unbelievers / backsliders and one of you becomes born again later, PATIENCE is needed in
dealing with the yet-to-believe partner. God will do it (I Cor. 7: 12-17).
•God knows no impossibility. Your situation is a potential opportunity for God to be magnified
and for your family to have an incredible testimony.
•Therefore, the best way of going together as ordained by God is by being right with one another
and God.
•Remain blessed, even as I wish your family the blessing and blissfulness that God has designed
for you.