CCSS3002

Multiple Intelligences & Competencies

Lecture 8 - Assertiveness

Probably, your key

to success.
Lecture 8 Assertiveness
Agenda
What is assertiveness?

Rights & responsibility

Assertive VS Aggressive
Quick Question
Can your express your values, beliefs,
thoughts and feelings openly, honestly
and pragmatically, without feeling
nervous most of the time?
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself and your rights, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs
without violating the rights of others (Kelley, 1979).

It is assumed that all people have certain basic human rights, and that these rights should be
respected.
Understanding of
legitimate rights
• What rights do you have, and when
are your rights violated?

• Work on the worksheets and identify

the rights that the characters have and
are being violated.
What are your rights? (Kelley, 1979, p. 58-59)
Some of the rights most often mentioned in assertion groups are:

01 02
The right to be left alone The right to be independent.
This is the right to spend some time alone, even when This is the right to maintain a separateness and
one feels pressure from others to socialize or do individuality in leading one’s own life.
things with others.

03 04
The right to be listened to and taken The right to get what one pays for.
seriously
This is the right to be heard when one has something This is the right to receive the product or service one
to say, or to have one’s point of view respected. purchased.
What are your rights? (Kelley, 1979, p. 58-59)
Some of the rights most often mentioned in assertion groups are:

05 06
The right to refuse requests without The right to ask for what you want.
feeling guilty or selfish.
This is the right to say no even though others believe This right is directly related to the right to refuse
that to say no is selfish or wrong. requests.
Anyone making a request should be prepared to hear
07 yes or no and to respect the other’s right to accept or
refuse.
The right to choose not to assert oneself.
08
A person may know how to be assertive but choose The right to have rights.
not to be so.
The most frequently cited reasons for making this
choice are that it is not worth the cost in terms of As to act in an assertive manner
time or energy expended or that the risks involved are
too high.
Rights & Responsibility

Before exercising your right, think

Every right carries with it a
about your responsibility. Also, you
responsibility.
need to consider if your rights are
expressed appropriately.
 Assertion, Non-assertion &
Aggression

Assertion Non-assertion Aggression

• Expresses wants, ideas, and feelings in • Does not express wants, ideas, and • Expresses wants, ideas, and feelings at
direct and appropriate ways while feelings or expresses them in a self- the expense of others
respecting others’ right depreciating way. • Intent: to dominate or humiliate
• Intent: to communicate • Intent: to please
 Philosophy of the 3 types

Assertion Non-assertion Aggression

• Take care of their rights and respect the • Take care of other people’s rights and • Take care of their own rights... Others’
other person’s rights . hopes that others will worry about theirs rights don’t count
 Beliefs of the 3 types

Assertion Non-assertion Aggression

• I have basic human rights and so do you • I have no basic human rights/my rights • Some of us have basic human rights
are less important or trivial and some of us don’t (or I have rights -
you don’t).
 Effects of the 3 types

Assertion Non-assertion Aggression

• Solve problems • Helplessness, feels out of control • Hurts others
• Feels in control of self etc. • Hurts self • Interpersonal conflicts
• Feels angry etc.
Activity 1
• Try to work on the worksheet and see
how you would respond in each
scenario . Classmates shall comment
if the responses are categorized as
aggressive, nonassertive or assertive.
Case 1
• I hate that you always come late. That’s the last time I’ll invite you.
– Aggressive, because you put your friend down and threaten him/her (won’t
invite you again)
• Come on in. Dinner is on the table.
– Nonassertive, because you pretend that nothing has happened. You neither
mention that your friend is late nor that you are displeased by his/her
behaviour.
• I’ve been waiting for an hour. I would have appreciated your calling to let me
know you would be late.
– Assertive, because you tell your friend that s/he is late, that you have been
waiting, and that you feel s/he should have called.
Case 2
• You always pick movies I don’t like. You only think about yourself. You’re very
selfish.
– Aggressive, because you attack your friend (you’re very selfish) rather than
saying, “I don’t want to see that one” and then suggesting another.
• Well, I don’t know much about that movie. But, I guess, if you want to, we can see
it.
– Nonassertive, because you don’t express your opinion. You say, “If you want to,
we can see it,” but you don’t really want to see it.
• I don’t want to see that one. How about a movie over at the Plaza Theatre?
– Assertive, because you express your opinion (I don’t want to see that one) and
make another suggestion.
Case 3
• This? It’s nothing special
– Non-assertive
• Well…I picked it up at a sale…well…
– Non-assertive
• Thank you.
– Assertive, because you accept and acknowledge the compliment.
Case 4
• Well, are you sure no one will notice it?
– Nonassertive
• Well, I’d still like to return it or exchange it. I don’t’ want this one. Thank you
very much.
– Assertive
• Are you kidding? You are such an unprofessional sales.
– Aggressive
Case 5
• I really love you. You are great.
– Assertive

Case 6
• Forget it. It’s about time you do it. You treat me like your slave. You’re a pig
– Aggressive
• I’m kind of busy. But if you can’t get it done, I guess I can help you.
– Nonassertive
• No, Mary, I am afraid I would not do any more of your work. I’m tired of
doing both my work and your work
– Assertive
 Assertive Aggressive
Don’t confront to the problem/situation..

Claim their rights and use warmth to

They attack with aggression, blame,
sustain the other person’s self-esteem in
demand and humiliation.
the process.
.

behave selfishly
 In Summary…

Assertion Non-assertion Aggression

• Enough of the appropriate behaviors at • Too little too late • Too much too soon
the right time • never • Too much too late
Activity 2
Are you an assertive, nonassertive, or
aggressive person?
• Complete the questionnaire and see
if you are more likely to be an
assertive, nonassertive, or aggressive
person.
How to Exercise
STEP 1
Assertiveness Realize where changes are needed and believe in your rights

STEP 2
Figure out appropriate ways of asserting yourself in each specific
situation that concerns you.
DESC Scripting
A four steps program enables people to write successful assertive scripts.
Scripting provides guidelines for focusing and stating one’s thoughts and words in assertive situations.

D escribe E xpress

Describe the situation or the behavior of people you express your feelings to the situation or behavior,
are reacting to. explain what other effects the person’s behavior has
on you (including thoughts, beliefs or values), and try
to empathize with how the other person feels

S pecify C onsequence

specify the behavior you would prefer from the other Consider the potential positive and negative consequences to you
person or what you would like or need in the of being assertive in the situation
situation.
Quick Practice
Case Study
I discontinued a close and valued friendship because
of a particular misunderstanding. I greatly missed
the friendship, but I was reticent to approach my
friend and discuss things. I had reason to believe
she might also be unhappy about the situation but
probably would never approach me; therefore, I had
to initiate the contact.
DESC Scripting
Using the DESC script and applying to the above case:

D escribe E xpress

We have not seen each other and talked on phone I feel saddened by these unfortunate silences because
together for a long long time. I have enjoyed a lot of good times with you, and I
feel our friendship had a lot of positive things going
for it. How do you feel about it?

S pecify C onsequence

Could we get together for lunch this week and talk Positive: It would be really nice to see you again.
about what causes these uncomfortable silences? Negative: If we can’t get together to talk, I feel we’ll grow further
apart.
Reminder for DESC Scripting

D escribe E xpress

When you…When I… I feel…(first explain, then, empathize: I understand that you…

Objective, specific, simple and concrete you may feel…)
❌ Evaluative, too general or too complicated ✔️Feeling owned by assertor (I feel, not you make me feel)
你成日都係咁遲。 ✔️calm, specific
You are always late. ❌ emotional outbursts or attack the entire character of the
person
你硬係攪到人好忟，你好討厭。
You annoy me, you are nasty.
Reminder for DESC Scripting

S pecify C onsequence

I would prefer…I want…I would like… if you do… if you do not

✔️Realistic request. ✔️State explicit the realistic positive or negative consequences
❌ Ask for too large a change or too many changes that you foresee
你呀，以後唔可以再遲到多過 30 秒。 ❌ Make exaggerated threats
❌ You should never be late for more than 30 seconds. 如果你做唔到，我地就分手啦。
If you can’t do this, we better break up.
Example
According to P.24 case study, a typical aggressive and offensive response:

• You are always late. You annoy me very much. You are so nasty. You should
never be late for 30 seconds. If you cannot do so, we better break up.
• 你成日都係咁遲，你硬係攪到人好忟，你好討厭。你呀，以後唔可以
再遲到多過 30 秒。如果你做唔到，我地就分手啦。
Example
According to P.24 case study, An assertive response with the DESC script:

• You were late for an hour (D). While waiting for you, I felt annoyed and
unhappy (E). I really hope that you can call me in advance in case you may
be late for our gathering (S). If you do so, I would be happier; if not, I feel
you do not respect me (C).
• 你岩岩遲到左一個鐘頭 (D) ，等緊你個時，我真係好忟同唔開心
(E) 。我真係希望你下次有咩事會遲到，你會打個電話比我先 (S) 。我
諗咁樣我會覺得開心的，如果唔係，我會覺得你唔尊重我。 (C)
 DESC Example 1
Other assertive response using DESC script:

Situation: GF has an assertive response after BF comments her dress

• Describe: “ Vincent, you told me I shouldn’t wear this dress. This has occurred several times in the
past ! ”

• Express: “ I felt very unhappy by your comments. I like this dress, and I believe in my judgments and
taste, which may differ from yours. ”

• Specify: “Please let me make my own choices and accept me as I am.”

• Consequences: “I will also respect your choice and freedom. If you can respect my freedom, I think
our relationship would grow healthily. If not, I think we should reconsider our relationship.”
 DESC Example 2
Other assertive response using DESC script:

Situation: You have an assertive response after Group leader John rejects
your ideas for the project.

• Describe: “ Hey John, I observed that my ideas were not considered, and things were
done in your way.”
• Express: “When you insisted on doing things according to your ideas and rejecting mine,
I felt treated as a fool and not capable of doing things intelligently.”
• Specify: “Please reconsider my ideas, my Captain John ! ”

• Consequences: “If so, I think good cooperation would lead to a good product. If not, I am
afraid we would mess things up.”
•
Written Assignment 2
• Identify a scenario in which you want to be
assertive. Describe the scenario. Write a DESC
script and try out the steps in real life. Evaluate
its effectiveness.
Written Assignment 2
Guiding questions:
Please describe a scenario in which you want to be
assertive (approx. 100 words).
Write a DESC scripting for the aforementioned
scenario. Remember, you are talking to the person
involved with the script.
• Describe:
• Express:
• Specify:
• Consequence:
Have you applied the script in your real life?
Was it effective? Please briefly describe.
Did you encounter any difficulties when executing it?
Written Assignment 2
Requirements:
• Approximately 500 words, double-line spacing.
• References and citations are necessary. Use the
APA format (the 7th edition).
• Be sure to upload your assignment to Turnitin
and check the similarity index. Check the
plagiarism guidelines provided by the College to
avoid doing it.
• Submission deadline: Before the beginning of the
next lecture.
Written Assignment 2
Marking Criteria:
• Knowledge of the subject matter (20%)
• Application of relevant concepts/theories (20%)
• Structure and organization(20%)
• Capacity to analyze and synthesize (20%)
• Referencing (20%)
References
Kelley C. (1979). Assertion training : a facilitator's guide. La
Jolla, Calif. : University Associates.

A Comparison of Nonassertive, Assertive, and Aggressive

Behavior. (n.d.). Retrieved March 8, 2002, from
http://www.cybercil.com/skills/behavior.html
Questions?