Different types of

relationships- family,
friendship, love and romance
RELATIONSHIPS WITH PARENTS
• Parent–child interactions are of basic importance because this is usually one’s first contact with
another person.
• We come into the world ready to interact with other humans, but the specific characteristics of those
interactions differ from person to person and family to family. It is those details that seem to have
important implications for our later interpersonal behavior.
• During the first year of life, when the range of possible behaviors is obviously limited, human infants
are extremely sensitive to facial expressions, body movements, and the sounds people make.
• The person taking care of the baby is often the mother, and she, in turn, is equally sensitive to what
the infant does
• As they interact, the two individuals communicate and reinforce the actions of one another
• The adult shows interest in the infant’s communication in various ways such as engaging in baby talk
and displaying exaggerated facial expressions.
• The infant, in turn, shows interest in the adult by attempting to make appropriate sounds and
expressions. Overall, such reciprocal interactions tend to be a positive educational experience for both.
THE LASTING IMPORTANCE OF
PARENT–CHILD INTERACTIONS:
THEIR ROLE IN ATTACHMENT STYLE
• Early relationships between parents and children have primarily been
studied by developmental psychologists, but the fact that these
relationships affect the nature of later interpersonal behavior has led
social psychologists to look more closely at how what happens to us
in childhood shapes our social relationships throughout life.
• One framework for understanding such effects was offered by Bowlby
(1969, 1973). On the basis of careful studies of mothers and infants,
Bowlby developed the concept of attachment style, the degree of
security an individual feels in interpersonal relationships.
• Infants, Bowlby suggests, acquire two basic attitudes during their
earliest interactions with an adult.
• The first is an attitude about self, self-esteem.
• The behavior and the emotional reactions of the caregiver provide
information to the infant that he or she is a valued, important, loved
individual or, at the other extreme, someone who is without value,
unimportant, and unloved.
• The second basic attitude concerns other people, and involves general
expectancies and beliefs about them. This attitude is interpersonal
trust, and is based largely on whether the caregiver is perceived by
the infant as trustworthy, dependable, and reliable or as relatively
untrustworthy, undependable, and unreliable.
• Research findings suggest that we develop these basic attitudes about
self and about others long before we acquire language skills.
• Based on the two basic attitudes, infants, children, adolescents, and
adults can be roughly classified as having a particular style involving
relationships with others.
• If you think of self-esteem as one dimension and interpersonal trust
as another, then four possible patterns exist: one in which an
individual is high on both dimensions, another in which the individual
is low on both, and two others in which the person involved is high on
one and low on the other.
Four contrasting attachment
styles
Secure Attachment:
• Children with a secure attachment style feel confident that their
caregivers will be available and responsive to their needs. They
are comfortable exploring their environment and seek comfort
from their caregiver when necessary. As adults, they tend to
have trusting, lasting relationships.
1.Secure Attachment:
1. Childhood: A child with secure attachment might confidently explore
their environment, periodically checking back with their caregiver for
reassurance before venturing out again.
2. Adulthood: An adult with secure attachment might be comfortable with
intimacy and independence, able to seek support from their partner
when needed while also maintaining a sense of autonomy.
fearful-avoidant attachment style.
Someone low in both self-esteem and interpersonal trust has a
fearful-avoidant attachment style.
Fearful-avoidant individuals tend not to form close relationships or to
have unhappy ones (Mikulincer, 1998; Tidwell, Reis, & Shaver, 1996).
1.Fearful-Avoidant Attachment:
1. Childhood: A child with fearful-avoidant attachment might exhibit
conflicting behaviors, wanting closeness with their caregiver but also
being fearful or anxious about getting too close.
2. Adulthood: An adult with fearful-avoidant attachment might desire
close relationships but fear getting hurt or rejected, leading to a push-
pull dynamic in relationships where they want intimacy but also fear it.
preoccupied attachment style
Low self-esteem combined with high interpersonal trust produces a
preoccupied attachment style.
Individuals showing this pattern of attachment want closeness
(sometimes excessively so), and they readily form relationships.
They cling to others, but expect eventually to be rejected because they
believe themselves to be unworthy (Lopez et al., 1997; Whiffen, Aube,
Thompson, & Campbell, 2000).
1.Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment:
1. Childhood: A child with anxious-preoccupied attachment might be
clingy and reluctant to explore, constantly seeking proximity and
reassurance from their caregiver.
2. Adulthood: An adult with anxious-preoccupied attachment might be
overly dependent on their partner for reassurance, fearing
abandonment and often seeking validation and attention.
dismissing attachment style
• Finally, those with a dismissing attachment style are high in self-
esteem and low in interpersonal trust. This combination leads to the
belief that one is very much deserving of good relationships, but
because these individuals don’t trust others, they fear genuine
closeness. They are the kind of people who state that they don’t want
or need close relationships with others (Carvello & Gabriel, 2006).
1.Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment:
1. Childhood: A child with dismissive-avoidant attachment might appear
indifferent to their caregiver's presence or absence, showing little
emotion when the caregiver leaves or returns.
2. Adulthood: An adult with dismissive-avoidant attachment might avoid
close relationships, prefer independence, and downplay the
importance of relationships in their life.
Friendship, love and romance
• ‘In love’ partners were put under a brain scanner and were asked
regions in the brain were activated that are tightly associated with the
anticipation of reward and with focused attention.
• Regions in the brain were activated that are tightly associated with
the anticipation of reward and with focused attention dopamine
system in the brain is indeed the same system that is involved in
pleasure and addiction.
• Fisher concluded that, rather than conceiving love as an emotion,
‘being in love’ can better be considered a strong motivation – an
addictive craving to be with the other person
• Clearly, and perhaps luckily, people generally do not remain in the
same intense state of being in love throughout their relationship.
• Berscheid and Walster (1974) called this initial, strong motivational
sense of love in the early stages of a relationship passionate love.
• Consistent with the neurophysiological results described above, they
defined passionate love as a state of intense longing for union with
another. After some time, love generally takes a somewhat different
form, referred to as companionate love.
• This kind of love is defined as ‘the affection and tenderness we feel
for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined’ (Hatfield &
Rapson, 1993, p. 9). Note that companionate love can refer to the
love you may feel for your partner, but also the love you feel for your
friends and family.
• However, as you know, the love you feel for your
partner is not exactly the same as the love you
feel for a friend. What, then, distinguishes these
forms of love?
Triangular theory of love
• According to Sternberg’s (1986) triangular theory of love, different forms of love consist
of different combinations of three components of love, namely intimacy, passion and
commitment.
Intimacy encompasses feelings of closeness and connectedness
passion encompasses romance, physical attraction, and sexual
consummation
commitment entails the short-term decision or realization that one loves
one’s partner, as well as the long-term commitment to maintain that love.
• Love can consist of each of these three components, combined or separately, and to
varying degrees of intensity, resulting in different types of love. For example, love for a
romantic partner is characterized by passion and intimacy (although passion tends to
decline over over the course of the relationship), while love for a friend encompasses
intimacy, but not passion”
• Nonlove: This refers to the absence of all three components—
intimacy, passion, and commitment. An example of nonlove
could be two strangers passing each other on the street without
any interaction. There is no emotional connection, physical
attraction, or commitment between them.
• Liking (Friendship): Liking involves high levels of intimacy, but
low levels of passion and commitment. An example of liking or
friendship could be two colleagues who share a close bond at
work. They confide in each other, support one another, and
enjoy spending time together, but there is no romantic or long-
term commitment between them.
• Infatuation (Crush): Infatuation is characterized by high levels
of passion, but low levels of intimacy and commitment. An
example of infatuation could be a teenager who develops a
crush on a celebrity. There is intense passion and desire, but
little to no emotional intimacy or long-term commitment.
• Empty Love: Empty love involves high levels of commitment,
but low levels of intimacy and passion. An example of empty
love could be a couple who have been married for many years
but no longer feel emotionally connected or passionate towards
each other. They may stay together out of duty or obligation, but
the emotional bond and passion have faded.
• Romantic Love: Romantic love includes high levels of intimacy and
passion, but low levels of commitment. An example of romantic love
could be a couple who are deeply in love and share a strong
emotional and physical connection. However, they may not be ready
to commit to a long-term relationship or marriage at this stage.
• Companionate Love: Companionate love is characterized by high
levels of intimacy and commitment, but low levels of passion. An
example of companionate love could be an elderly couple who have
been married for many years. While they may no longer experience
the intense passion of romantic love, they share a deep emotional
bond and are committed to supporting each other.
• Fatuous Love: Fatuous love involves high levels of passion and
commitment, but low levels of intimacy. An example of fatuous love
could be a couple who decide to get married shortly after meeting each
other. They may have a strong physical attraction and be committed to
the idea of marriage, but they have not yet developed a deep emotional
connection or intimacy.
• Consummate Love: Consummate love is the ideal form of love,
characterized by high levels of intimacy, passion, and commitment. An
example of consummate love could be a long-term married couple who
continue to experience deep emotional intimacy, passion, and
commitment towards each other. They have a strong and fulfilling
relationship that encompasses all three components of love.
• Back in the 1950s, psychological science was dominated by
behaviourism, the view that animal and human behaviour is entirely
shaped by rewards and costs – how people evaluate and behave in
their romantic relationship being no exception.
• In this tradition, equity theory (Adams, 1963) proposed that people
are satisfied in their romantic relationships if the rewards and the
costs associated with the relationship are balanced between partners
– that is, if the ratio of rewards and costs an individual experiences is
equal to the ratio of rewards and costs for the partner.
• The rewards of a relationship may be the support and love one
receives, but can also consist of a nice car and a house, while the
costs may be sacrifice of freedom, conflict or the burden of doing
household chores.
• According to this perspective, a romantic relationship can be
satisfying for both partners even if the rewards are not equally high.
• One partner may have lower rewards, but this does not really matter
if the costs are also lower for this partner: as long as the relative
rewards and costs are equal, partners perceive equity (i.e. the
rewards and costs are distributed fairly).
• Although perceived equity is indeed positively related to satisfaction
in the relationship, it does not predict relationship stability
• In addition, other research indicates that the absolute level (rather
than the ratio of rewards and costs) of rewards one perceives in a
relationship is actually a better predictor of relationship satisfaction
Equity theory
• A theory that seeks to explain relationship
satisfaction in terms of perceptions of fair versus
unfair distributions of resources within
interpersonal relationships.
Kelley & Thibaut, 1978
COMPARISON
• OUTCOMES=REWARDS-COST
• formed standard for future relationships – which Thibaut and Kelley
(1959) referred to as the comparison level (CL)
• When finding a new partner, even when the rewards exceed the
costs, the outcomes still may not be as high as what you expect from
a relationship. Your previous relationship experiences tell you that you
can do better.
• Just as prior relationship experiences set a certain standard (i.e. CL),
potential alternative partners also set a standard, which Thibaut and
Kelley (1959) referred to as the comparison level of alternatives (CL
alt).
• As long as the outcomes an individual receives in his or her current
relationship exceed the outcomes that can be received with another
relationship partner – the quality of alternatives is low – it is unlikely
that the person will want to end the current relationship.
• In this case, the person is dependent on the relationship.
INVESTMENT THEORY BY
RULBULT (2001)
• Investments refer to the level of resources (time, emotional
involvement, money, self-disclosure and so on) put into a relationship,
which increases the costs of withdrawing from the relationship.
• Relationship commitment an individual’s intent to maintain the
relationship and to remain psychologically attached to it.
• According to the model, these three variables – satisfaction, quality
of alternatives and investments – affect the level of relationship
commitment a person experiences to the relationship: the more
satisfied, the lower the quality of alternatives; and the more prior
investments, the more committed a person will be to the relationship.
• Relationship commitment is defined here as an individual’s intent to
maintain the relationship and to remain psychologically attached to
it (Rusbult, 1980)

• The investment model emphasizes that commitment is the key to

relationship stability and couple well-being, because it motivates
partners to act and think in the interests of the relationship.
• However, for Rusbult et al., the most important factor that maintains
commitment to a relationship is investment.
• Investment refers to the number of resources, both tangible, like
money or possessions, and intangible, like happy memories, that
people will lose if they leave relationships.
• The model proposes two types of investment: intrinsic and extrinsic.
• Intrinsic investment comprises the things we put directly into the
relationship, such as effort, money, possessions, self-disclosure.
• Extrinsic investment refers to the things that are brought to people's
life through the relationships, such as children, friends and shared
memories.
• Because both intrinsic and extrinsic investments can potentially be
lost if relationships end, Rusbult et al. concluded that the bigger the
investment, the more likely people are to stay in relationships.
• Therefore, it is the investment size that influences commitment to
relationships, rather than just the level of satisfaction or existence of
potential alternatives.
In addition to the factors influencing
partners’ commitment, Rusbult et al.
also identified maintenance mechanisms
partners use to keep relationships going.
These mechanisms are:
• Accommodation – acting in a way that promotes relationships, rather
than keeping a tally of costs and rewards.
• Willingness to sacrifice – putting partner's interests first.
• Forgiveness – willingness to forgive partner's mistakes, both minor
and serous ones.
• Positive illusions – being unrealistically positive about partner's
qualities.
• Ridiculing alternatives – minimising the advantages of potential
alternatives and viewing them in a negative light.
TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS
• Clark and Mills (1979) distinguished between exchange and
communal relationships. In exchange relationships people give each
other benefits only when they are likely to receive a comparable
benefit in return.
• To illustrate, people may have an exchange relationship with a
plumber: the plumber fixes their leaking pipe and the client pays the
plumber the appropriate amount of money for the work done. In
communal relationships, people exchange benefits according to each
• Exchange relationship refers to an interpersonal association between
individuals who are concerned with what their partner gets and what
they themselves receive to ensure equitable benefits.
• Communal relationship refers to an interpersonal association
between individuals who are more concerned with what their partner
gets rather than what they themselves receive, or relationships in
which people’s primary concern is being responsive to the other
person’s needs.
Horizontal or Reciprocal relationships
and
Vertical or Complementary
relationships
• Horizontal relationships are egalitarian and involve reciprocal
exchanges of benefits, such as knowledge, care, support or
disclosure.
• To illustrate, friendships are typical horizontal relationships: both
friends receive and provide care.
• Vertical relationships are hierarchical and involve unequal – or
complementary – exchanges of benefits.
• For example, in parent–child relationships the child typically receives
care; the parents typically provide care
• Another important dimension is the voluntariness of the
relationship.
• In voluntary relationships (e.g. friends, dating partners), people lack
any formal bonds to maintain an intimate, stable relationship.
• On the contrary, in involuntary relationships (parent–child
relationships, arranged marriage) formal bonds, such as biological ties
or social structures, add to the persistence of the relationship.
FRIENDSHIP
• Friends are the first relationships children develop outside their
family, and having friends is a norm even among very young children.
• Among adolescents, having at least one friend to confide in is often
considered as a social achievement and an indicator of social
competence (Hartup, 1996).
• Based on a review of existing friendship questionnaires, Mendelson
and Aboud (1999) identified six functions of friendships:
(1) stimulating companionship (e.g. doing fun activities together)
(2) help (e.g. offering assistance)
(3) intimacy (e.g. being open to honest disclosures of personal
information)
(4) reliable alliances (e.g. being loyal)
(5) self-validation (e.g. allowing friends to maintain a positive self-
image) and
(6) emotional security (e.g. providing comfort in novel or threatening
situations).
DISCLOSURE
• Verbally revealing information about oneself to another person is
called self-disclosure (Jourard, 1971).
• Self-disclosure is important in every type of interpersonal relationship,
from business partnerships to love affairs, from friends to parent–
child relationships, from housemates to long-distance relatives
• The imaginary exercise above shows how disclosure and relationships
can influence and change each other. A meta-analysis of 94 studies by
Collins and Miller (1994) provides convincing evidence for this
suggestion. Their analysis revealed that (a) we disclose more to
people we like; (b) we like people more after having disclosed to
them; and (c) we like people who disclose more. Thus, once people
disclose information to another person, they start liking the other
more, especially if the other is responsive to their needs and values
them (Reis & Shaver, 1988). Liking and intimacy, in turn, appear
necessary conditions for the disclosure of more intimate personal
information in relationships (e.g. Hendrick, 1981).
• Importantly, when one person discloses information about himself or
herself, the other also likes the person more, and, in turn, discloses
more information about himself or herself.
• In the literature this is called disclosure reciprocity, because people
tend to match each other’s level of self-disclosure, disclosing more if
the other person does so and disclosing less if the other’s self-
disclosure declines.
• Mundane as well as intimate self-disclosure is important to maintain
relationships.
• Catching up with each other at the end of a day by telling the other
what one did, whom one saw, what rumours one heard, how the day
went, or who called, signals to the relationship partner that the
relationship is intact and that one is committed to it.
• Sharing intimate information with each other is the most frequently
reported strategy to maintain relationships with friends, relatives and
lovers
• Not surprisingly, sharing secrets – having a secret together and
exchanging the secret information – is one of the most powerful
means of creating feelings of intimacy and closeness among adult
secret-keepers and children
• Secrets often concern intimate information that people do not want
to share with others, because it makes them vulnerable to being hurt
• Consequently, when a person wants to share a secret, he or she has
to rely on the other’s integrity, has to trust that person to protect it,
and has to be willing to become dependent on the other.