The Language of

Kindness: A Way
to Empathy
Dominic Paguio, PhD
Empathy
Our ability to understand
and relate to other people.
Empathy
Mode of understanding
operating on a subconscious
level of mental processing.
Empathy
Recognition of covert
motivations of overt
behaviors.
 Empathy
How well we make rapid and accurate inferences about the feelings, goals, attitudes,
motivations, beliefs, intentions, and behaviors of other people determines, to a large
extent, what we contribute in a specific social situation as well as our perceived value to
other human beings.
 Two Empathy Theories

01 Theory of Mind
02 Simulation Theory
When people replicate
The human ability to attribute
mental states to other people affective, cognitive, and
using a controlled, thoughtful behavioral states in themselves
process and mimic what they believe
other people may be feeling,
thinking, and doing.
Communicating with
Love and Understanding
Three Easy Communication
Skills

LUV Use I-messages Show Respect

LUV
Three things will last forever—faith, hope,
and love—and the greatest of these is LOVE.
1Corinthians 13:13
 LUV

LISTEN VALIDATE
with your ears, eyes and heart to
by expressing empathy, even if you
understand the other person’s
disagree. Express confidence in his or
feelings. Try to put yourself in his or
her ability to find solutions.
her place.

UNDERSTAND
Repeat back the main ideas in your
own words to show understanding.
Ask respectful questions.
 LUV

LISTEN VALIDATE
politely with a true desire to
by expressing empathy, even if you
understand other people’s ideas and
disagree. Express confidence in his or
feelings when they talk to you.
her ability to find solutions.

UNDERSTAND
Repeat back the main ideas in your
own words to show understanding.
Ask respectful questions.
 LUV

LISTEN VALIDATE
politely with a true desire to
by expressing empathy, even if you
understand other people’s ideas and
disagree. Express confidence in his or
feelings when they talk to you.
her ability to find solutions.

UNDERSTAND
Show understanding by nodding your
head, asking polite questions, or
repeating back the main points to
make sure you understand..
 LUV

LISTEN VALIDATE
politely with a true desire to
the other person’s point of view, even
understand other people’s ideas and
if you disagree, by saying, “I see why
feelings when they talk to you.
you feel that way . . .”

UNDERSTAND
Show understanding by nodding your
head, asking polite questions, or
repeating back the main points to
make sure you understand..
USE I-MESSAGES
Begin with the word,“I”then state your feelings, needs, or
thoughts in a respectful way. Have a respectful tone of voice.

Describe specifically what you want, or the behavior that

bothers you in a non-blaming way.

Explain the reasons for your feelings/thinking/desires. “I feel…

when…because…”

Avoid “You” messages, like: “You make me mad when....”

 Activate
You have been asked to head a small working group within your class. When your
group was assembled, you were pleased to see that a colleague named Ivy had been
assigned to your group. Ivy is reputed to be a very bright and creative girl who was
part of another highly successful group in the organization. However, Ivy has been
arriving late to group meetings and recently showed up halfway through the meeting
and was clearly unprepared.

You overheard two members of the group discussing Ivy’s behavior. One group
member, Marsha, was wondering why Ivy had not been removed from the group yet;
the other team member, Bianca, speculated that Ivy has been having some problems at
home and suggested that everyone should cut her some slack.

Next week your group is expected to complete an important project so that the results
can be passed along to other members of the organization. Each team member is
responsible for a different part of the project, and Ivy is responsible for the two most
important parts. Your group is scheduled to meet tomorrow to do any last minute
coordination that may be required. Based on that timetable, you gave the head of your
class your personal guarantee that the project would be done by Monday.

Ivy calls you today and says she doesn't have her sections finished and probably won't
be able to finish them before the meeting. She says she just needs more time.
 Respect
● View all persons as equal to your own
● Be assertive, not aggressive or passive.
self. If you start to feel judgmental
about one of their negative points, say
● Use life’s five most important words
to yourself, “Just like me.”
often:“I love you”and “I’m sorry.”
● Use a respectful tone of voice when you
talk. ● If you say you are sorry, then you should
● Never thrown Communication really mean it. Ask what you can do to
Boulders: yelling, swearing, sarcasm, make it up to the person you hurt.
cross or angry tone of voice, put-downs,
blaming, criticizing, or taking offense.
(See the complete list on handout 2-7.)

Assertive
• Attitude: Deep respect for self
and concern for others
• Body Language: Confident, erect
posture, good eye contact;
respects others’ personal space
• Voice tone: Calm, polite, firm,
controlled
• Words: Clear “I-Messages” that
say how you feel, express your
needs, or make requests without
sarcasm or blaming
Being Assertive
Aggressive
• Attitude: Concerned mainly for self;
willing to get own way by bullying or
threatening others
• Body Language: Threatening, “in-
your- face,” confrontational; points
fingers, rolls eyes
• Voice tone: Loud, angry, dramatic,
accusatory, hostile
• Words: Argumentative, threatening,
abusive, blaming, sarcastic; interrupts a
lot
Passive
• Attitude: Fearful, lacks self-respect,
allows others to dominate. May be
hiding anger.
• Body Language: Slumped
shoulders, no eye contact,
withdrawn, shoulder shrugs
• Voice tone: Weak, whiney
• Words: Fails to express feelings or
needs goes along with the crowd.
May say: ”Whatever; I guess so; It
doesn’t matter anyway.”
 Communication Boulders

1 2 3 4

Crabby- Slash and

Sarcasm
Cutting humor that insults a
person’s ideas, efforts, or
intelligence damages a
family member’s sense of
self and desire to bond. Make
a “stop-the-sarcasm”
commitment and keep it.
Put-downs
Voice Burn
Remarks that mock or Cross or angry voice tones Yelling, name-calling, insults, or
cause people to with- draw swearing are aggressive and
put a person down are
emotionally, and we get less abusive. They render us emotion-
disrespectful and
cooperation. We control our ally unsafe and we lose the love we
hinder family bonding. seek. They have no place in family
voice tones and can speak
Choose words that conversations. Choose to be
calmly and respectfully if we
build. practice. Always use a soft assertive instead of aggressive.
voice when addressing hard
issues.
 Communication Boulders

5 6 7 8

Hostile
Criticism
Hostile, insensitive, or harsh
criticism demoralizes instead
of builds and rarely gets
positive results. Avoid these
by using the steps in the
there are almost always
“How to Give Positive
Criticism” handout from
Lesson 7.
Always-
Blame-
Never
Game
Speaking in absolutes
is insulting and Blaming others creates
usually inaccurate, as negative feelings and sets
people against each other
instead of work- ing together.
exceptions. Leave
The goal is to fix the
those words out. problem, not place blame or
fight over who is at fault.
Mind-
Reading
Blaming others creates negative
feelings and sets people against
each other instead of work- ing
together. The goal is to fix the
problem, not place blame or fight
over who is at fault.
 Communication Boulders

9 10 11 12

Stonewalling Take
Flooding Stonewalling means Offense Dumping
refusing to admit or
Extra-long comments acknowledge a concern
overwhelm people and come when someone brings it up.
When we feel blamed or Bringing up all the old arguments
across as lecturing or Denying there is a problem,
accusing the misunderstood, we often take and injuries is a sure-fire way to
nagging. Be brief and to the
other person of a fault to offense and our voice tones kill constructive communication.
point, and then ask for
deflect attention become defensive, which Stick to the issue at hand.
feedback—or peiople will
from your mistakes, or puts a fence between us and
tune you out.
refusing to see a need the person we are talking to.
for change hinders family
bonding.
 Apologies
and
Forgiveness
"There is no love
without
forgiveness, and
there is no
forgiveness
without love." -
Bryant H. McGill
 "It’s not an easy
journey, to get to
a place where you
forgive people.
But it is such a
powerful place,
because it frees
you."
How to
Apologize
• Admit wrongdoing.
• Acknowledge that what you did or said was
hurtful (even if it wasn’t intentional).
• Express sincere remorse.
• Commit that you won’t do or say it again.*
• Express willingness to make amends.
How to Ask for
an Apology
• Clarify in your mind how and why you feel hurt
and how it affected you. Write it down.
• Examine your own attitudes, words, or behaviors
to see if you contributed in any way to the harmful
situation, problem,
• or hurt you experienced. If so, acknowledge it.
(This is very unlikely if you experienced a random
act of violence.)
• If you feel the situation is safe to do so, calmly
talk to the person privately, or write them a letter,
to express how you feel using respectful “I-
Messages.”.
 “I don’t know if you are aware of this or
not, but when you _____________, I felt
______________. A sincere apology would
make it a lot easier for me to feel better
towards you.”
 “I felt really sad and hurt when you
____________. It would help me to know
that you are sorry and that it won’t happen
again.“
What NOT to
do
1. Don’t deny there was a problem.
2. Don’t minimize the person’s hurt feelings.
3. Don’t justify your hurtful behavior.
4. Don’t become offended at their words. 5. Don’t be
too prideful to apologize.
 What is FORGIVENESS?
A willingness to give up A gift of freedom for
Taking back power over Taking responsibility for
the anger and pain yourself, not something
your own life. how you feel.
caused by the offense, so you do for your offender.
you can feel peace.

About your healing, not A trainable skill—any A tool to improve your

about the person who one can learn to forgive. mental and physical
hurt you. health..

The key that allows you A choice that everyone

to become the hero can make.
instead of the victim.
WHAT IT IS NOT?
1. Saying the unkindness or hurt was okay.
2. Excusing people’s bad behavior.
3. Denying or minimizing your hurt, or
thinking you have to give up having
feelings.
4. Releasing the person from making
amends.
5. Forgetting that the painful thing
happened.
6. A gift for your offender; it is a gift to
yourself.
 Steps to Forgiveness
1. Accept that life is often painful and unfair, and we don’t always get what we
hope for. But we don’t have to continue to suffer emotional pain from past
hardships or losses.
2. Recognize that thoughts create feelings. If you frequently think on your hurts
or losses, you will continue to feel sad. However, you can control, and are
responsible for, your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors since the negative
experience(s) occurred.
3. Realize that holding onto resentment damages your health.
4. Decide to give up your desire to punish or get even. Hurting people in return
rarely causes them to feel remorse or regret, or encourages them to change their
behavior. Accept that only forgiveness, not revenge, will give you what you really
want: peace, happiness, and healing.
 Steps to Forgiveness
5. Decide that you will no longer spend time thinking or feeling upset about
your bad experience. Make a choice to focus your thoughts on feeling grateful
and looking for the beautiful and good in life.
6. If you feel safe it is safe to do so, clearly explain to the person (verbally or in
a letter) the harm that you felt he or she did to you.
7. Re-write your mental script of what happened so you become the hero in
your story by overcoming difficulties and turning the trial into something good,
instead of remaining the victim.
8. If the memory surfaces, use Mindfulness Breathing to shift your attention and
help you remember your goals.
9. If the offense was illegal, report it to the authorities and let them deal with
the person.
Workshop
 Let’s
Practice
 You have a groupmate that doesn’t do her share of
the workload in your group project. You are aware
that the classmate is a working student. You want o
tell her to do her part but would still like to be
sensitive to her situation.
 In the class, there is a tendency to form groups or
circles of friends. As the students get to know each
other, some students realize they do not fit in. How
can they communicate their discomfort towards peers
who they don’t relate/agree with?
 In some cases, professors or staff get sick that put a
temporary hold on their work. Sometimes, students
have requests that need to be attended to but since the
school personnel are unavailable, they need to wait.
How can students extend kindness and empathy
towards school personnel?
Thank
you!